Bend It Like Bennett

Evolution of a Nightmare: a photo essay

2010-01-07T19:51:00.001-08:00

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Happy Wanksgiving

2009-11-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

How does one pick a turkey? I was told a good measuring stick is if it doesn't fit readily into your 59FIFTY fitted, then it's excessive for a traditional family of 5, or a nontraditional family of 11 Darnell Mayberry's.

WNBA Watch

2009-11-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

The Onion reports: "WNBA Team Moving to Tulsa Sounds About Right"

Nick Collison has nothing on Tony Durant

2009-10-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Earlier this summer Nick Collison pissed off The Oklahoman and Jim Traber with his negative-ish tweets about OKC's weather. They're probably not going to enjoy Tony Durant's Twitter page:

"i miss my big sis @BettyBoopEyes i wish i was at home with yall instead of Oklahoma Shitty"

"@Dani_Reese shit chillin in wack ass OKC u get my DM"

"Man this security guard in the mall said its mall policy that u can't wear a hood on ur head in the mall only in OKC"

Hey, if you don't like our mall policy maybe you should just get the hell out. But leave your younger bro here and then sever all communications with him. Can't they ban Twitter already?

The system works.

2009-10-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

Neil deMause of Field of Schemes makes an interesting point today after reading The Painted Area's review of Sonicsgate.

"Quote of the week, from Seattle hoops blogger M. Haubs in a review of the new documentary Sonicsgate:

Many fans have difficulty accepting that Key Arena is an inadequate venue, given that it's a great place to watch a game and is less than 15 years old in its current incarnation.

These fans are mistaken, continues Haub, because they fail to recognize that Key Arena can't "maximize the varied revenue streams" that newer arenas can offer. Which is true enough as far as it goes — but is "doesn't generate as much profit as the tenant would like" really the new definition of "inadequate"?"

Oh my gosh great question. The answer, of course, is "Yes". "Adequacy" is defined as whatever David Stern and the owners say it means, based on perpetually shifting metrics that have precisely zero to do with watching basketball. Your job as a fan is to simply accept this at face value. I'm so glad I could clear that up for you.

Elevating the Debate

2009-10-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

As you may have heard, Sonicsgate premiered a few days ago and a lot of people thought it was very objective and very good. I won't be seeing it personally because it was made by a Seattleite and therefore could not possibly be either objective or good. Don't waste your breath trying to convince me otherwise.

But damn so I was listening to the Daily Thunder Podcast today and the blogger Royce was interviewing the film's producer, and I was ready for him to rip his Sonic-loving head off and put it on a pike, but instead Royce just got all bipartisan and said this:

"What really has bothered me a lot about it is that a lot of Oklahomans have always said, ‘Well, if they just would've went to the games, this would've never happened.' Well, in ten years we may have a 20-win team and we’re not gonna be going to the games, I mean that’s reality. That’s professional sports, that’s how it works.

….That’s what bothers me, people like to point to those last attendance numbers and say ‘oh well look they didn’t even go to the games’, and I just don’t feel like that’s a worthy reason."

What? Of course it's a worthy reason! They were terrible fans!! You start thinking about circumstance and nuance and the realities of the situation and it gets much harder to maintain a tenable position in your mind. That's why for me it's extremely black and white: Oklahoma fans best ever, Seattle fans pussies. You start looking at both sides of a situation and all of a sudden you're feeling empathy which can lead to anything from understanding to remorse to voting Democrat. Nobody wants to see that. Besides aren't you the guy who said this:

"But you guys are persistent - maybe if you'd have supported your basketball team the way you troll this blog they'd still be there. Low blow? Probably. But it felt good, especially after some of the total crap you wrote about my wonderful mother."

You need to stop second-guessing yourself. Thunder fans don't want perspective, they want reassurance.

More Than The Heart of the Game

2009-10-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ah, the uplifting nature and subsequent rosy outcomes of Basketball documentaries. First, Arthur Agee and William Gates realize their NBA dreams, then inspiring coach Bill Resler does not get forced out by boosters at Roosevelt High School, Yao does not have several season-ending and one career-ending injury, Sebastian Telfair doesn't toil forever in mediocrity, Spike Lee doesn't fall all over himself making a contrived Kobe/ESPN enshrinement with moments of socially awkward mortification, and the 'Der are forced to return to Seattle amidst revelations of backroom wrongdoings. And now, Ester Dean bravely takes 2 steps forward in the struggle for female equality by encouraging young women to drop it low on Chris Brown in this Jimmy Iovine produced soundtrack. Seriously though, see this movie. There is wisdom in young Belman's stubble:[Basketball Film had Grass-Roots Origin] WSJ.com
[More Than a Game Review] EW.com

Follow me on Woofer!

2009-08-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

I finally cracked and joined Woofer. If you don't know what that is, all I can say is July 2009 called, they want their social networking trend back. What does Woofer mean to the future of the NBA? I couldn't even begin to answer a question of that magnitude in under 1,400 characters.

For Sale: Dreams, $9.99

2009-08-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

My great shame is 2 fold: One, I didn't own a franchise until WNBA sleeves were on the outs, and second, I'm passing on this stitched Joe Forte masterstroke of design. I want to drape it over my Christmas tree and practice holy traditions beneath it. But alas, power seller mechpaul told me he doesn't trade for stocktips and there's not much room to slide those multiple X's of material into these jeans buddy, I tell you. But dammit if someone out there doesn't appreciate a little less shoulder on the court or in the pool or in front of a mirror. If you're also into socially responsible jerseys take a look.

Now-defunct amateur comedy duo Rick Sund and Wally Walker get most of the credit for this one, and that one bit where Joseph got sucker-punched by Jerome James in the shower always made me smile. Thanks for selling dreams mechpaul, at least until Tuesday.

FREE COLLISON

2009-08-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

Something for the involuntarily liberated fans. Unfortunately there's no Imperial Outlet, but if you want some truly phenomenal swag feel free to download and get your CafePress on. Or start a blog. Because if there's one thing this world needs, it's more NBA blogs.

Update: Color-coordinate with your favorite shade of sunset unique to this geographic region:

Nick Collison wears out his welcome.

2009-08-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Oklahoman has long been terrified of new types of media. John Rohde, Darnell Mayberry and Berry "Bullfeathers" Tramel have all at points in time used their lofty positions as newsmen to warn against the threats these types of outlets pose to decent folk and the common good and civil society as well as probably their own relevance and possibly job security. Fortunately no blog or Twitter page could compete with a mighty newspaper, least of all the Oklahoman, standard-bearer for integrity and truth.

Against this backdrop comes Jenni Carlson's bizarre column about Nick Collison and his curious Twitter page, and how he uses it to showcase a "lovefest" for Seattle while "tak[ing] shots" at OKC. Check out the screencap. You could blame it on the 24-hour news cycle except Jenni Carlson really only writes about once a week. What's odd is that although she claims to not mind and even "like him more" for his pro-Seattle comments, the tone of much of the article pretty clearly conveys the opposite. And the lede is written in such a way that it could only be perceived as trying to stoke a negative reaction. She even warns the Thunder brass not to get any "crazy ideas" about a Twitter ban, as if any of this is ban-worthy, and as if anyone else had that idea. Besides me of course.

Needless to say, it has ignited a firestorm of controversy. And rightly so. Because Nick Collison may look like one of us, he may act like one of us, and he may even sweat profusely while on the job just like you or I, but Nick Collison is not one of us. Nick Collison is a Seattelite. Gasp!

It's true. Despite wearing the light blue, dark blue, sunset yellow and reddish-orange of the 'Der, Nick Collison still lives in Seattle. And the smug bastard even likes it there. He says so right on his Twitter page. Not only that, he thinks Oklahoma City's 105 degree summer heat is too hot. Earmuff the children!

When will athletes learn that we don’t want to hear honest, off-the-cuff remarks no matter how benign, no matter how much genuine wit or charm they might possess? We want canned, rehearsed pablum you hear from real Americans like Mitt Romney or Kevin Durant. We demand it. If something drifts outside this narrow spectrum of rehearsed soundbites, sportswriters become threatened and attack the offender and try to purge it with fire.

Now it's time to dispense some old-fashioned mob justice.

Leading the crusade is talk radio personality Jim Traber, who took to the OKC airwaves to blast Collison for his remarks (the ones about the weather), "declare war" and literally try to run him out of town. Which makes me wonder why a city this sensitive about the weather would name its team the Thunder. Then Nick called the station and confronted Traber live on the air. Click here to listen to the exchange. It's pure gold. Some quotes:

“I am trying to run you out of town.”

“People are mad at me for saying 105 degrees is hot”

“As far as I’m concerned you can stay there!”
"I'm from the EAST COAST!"

This is all so major-league I can hardly believe it.

Co-host: “To be fair, I remember in the years when you were doing a show out in Phoenix, there were many winter days when we were freezing our tails off in Oklahoma and you would remind us that it was 80 degrees out in Phoenix."

Traber: “Absolutely. But let me tell you another thing too, okay, let me tell you another thing. I love Oklahoma City, I’ve been here 17— actually 20 years in total, and I never said, I would never say things like, you know “I didn’t want to be here” and all this other…”

Collison: “You know what Jim, I never said I didn’t want to be in Oklahoma.”
Traber: "Okay. Okay, fine."

Traber wouldn’t be satisfied until Collison swore allegiance to the team and the state, and declared his desire to play there for the rest of his life a la Kevin Durant. After which I guess he would have believed him? Who knows. One thing I know is that Traber has stumbled upon an idea so brilliant in its simplicity I don't know how anyone in history hasn't thought of it before: Loyalty Oaths. This is something only the Oklahoma sports media could come up with.

But fear not, God-fearing Thunder fans (except for God), because the truth is out and Collison is on the chopping block. We are building this team upon players with Character™, and Collison clearly has none. And coincidentally he's also the highest paid player on the team, so this works out great. As far as I'm concerned, the team won't be safe until every last former-Sonic is run out of town. Except for Kevin Durant and Jeff Green, because they don't count. And Westbrook is kind of a gray area because he was drafted by the "Sonics", but not the "Seattle Sonics", because if you remember David Stern removed "Seattle" from the logo behind the podium on draft day even though the case hadn't settled yet. That was classy.

Kevin Durant Has Had Jessie Spano Syndrome & Doesn't Didn't Know What To Do With His Hands

2009-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Before Nike dubbed him Professor X lite "Velvet Hoop" and Afrocentrism was apparently ironic, an offseason evening might find KD in a DC club, rigidly posting up and pining for the comfortably obscure & surgical sterility of Bricktown. Since, though, he's totally mastered the hemi-airscratch, and is completely not outshined by fellow dynamic personality, Rashard Lewis (Video here). It's like hearing Eminem murder Jay-Z on his own shit. Or eating plain yogurt with a glass of lukewarm tapwater in a 60W incandescent-lit room with no windows. But this viral video marketing is genius- take a few successful millionaire professionals, dress them up like the good ol' days in the street. Maybe a cookout theme with hoodrats and shoes on the grill because times is hard. Oh and mammies, obviously. Done. Wait, caricatural bulging eyes. OK. Wrap.
I doubt there's anyone more appropriate to walk such a fine line between painful, ingrained stereotypes and hip-hop culture than this guy. Another W. Anywho, one might hardly recognize straight edge Kevin Durant sulking around a charismatic Lebron as the reimagined, smooth Hoop Velvet, but goddamnit, this is who he is now. Like how Dwight Howard is the new ~~Shaq~~ Carrot Top and his jokes are funnier, his characters more 3 dimensional. Wigs and muscle suits FTW. But here are some vids which are either clips from the episode where Lisa sets Jessie up on a blind date with Darnell Mayberry and it goes comically awry when they stand up to leave The Max and she's like 3 feet taller than him, or it's just someone carrying a life-size cardboard cutout around a club.

Dissed.

2009-08-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

The latest non-story broiling at NewsOK.com is the perceived slight against Kevin Durant by whoever schedules the NBA's nationally televised games. The Thunder has (have?) only one nationally televised appearance this year, on ESPN. Three if you count NBATV games as "nationally televised", and apparently some of them do. But either way, this is an appalling lack of national exposure for one of the league's marquee franchises and for one of its most prominent stars. The only possible explanation is this: KD is being disrespected on a massive scale.

If you weren't aware, some say Kevin Durant is as good as, and possibly (probably?) better than, LeBron James. This debate has been gaining steam lately and there doesn't seem to be anyone who can answer it definitively. Yet the Cavs have 25 nationally televised games this year to the Thundermen's one. NO. FAIR. All I know is: the LeBrons went to the second round in his third year and Kevin Durant is the greatest player of all time to have never won more than 23 games in a season. So look out league, the Oklahoman's turning this fairly obvious, routine business decision into locker room fodder. It's like, what have you done for me lately, NBA? Don't you read blogs? We're cult faves over here. We're the Boondock Saints of the NBA. Your friends tell you that you totally have to see this movie, then you do, and it fucking sucks like nothing you've ever seen. What I'm saying is you should at least release our games on DVD box set.

So if the league is sitting on the current LeBron James in OKC, why won't they show the world? While it's probably a league-wide conspiracy, it might also be because of this report by Sports Business Journal, who compiled the local TV ratings from NBA markets over the course of last season. Apparently they can do that.

"Another disappointment came in Oklahoma City, where an average of just 8,000 homes watched Thunder games on Fox Sports Oklahoma, even though this season was the team’s first in the market."

Disappointment? Don't you mean "unqualified success"?

Yes, Kevin Durant was only seen by an average of 8,000 households per game, the second-worst figure in the NBA. The former LeBron drew 134,000 households on average locally. I find this statistic interesting because every time you go to a Thunder game, you are literally looking at a majority of Thunder fans in existence. It would seem that if anyone were disrespecting Kevin Durant it's Oklahoma City, which is an idea so patently absurd it makes me want to laugh out loud and then swallow hard and get very quiet. Durant has even inspired his own extremely FD t-shirt with his face on a milk carton:
But Durant is a Nike man, and the new LeBron, so something like this might be more appropriate:

Jerry Brewer kinda, sorta misses the mark

2009-07-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Judging by the comments, I'd say Jerry Brewer doesn't exactly have his finger on the pulse of the Seattle sports scene.

Great work though, Jerry. I agree that NBA franchises should be awarded based on who has the nicest waitresses and whether or not you have friends in the area.

"I still think the market is too small for long-term NBA success unless the Thunder becomes a perennial contender. Nevertheless, I'm now convinced that Oklahoma City deserves an NBA franchise."

Damn, that chick must have been pretty hot for you to come up with some logic like that. Now that you mention it, I remember trying to order some food in Seattle one time and a waitress was like, "Hey aren't you that douchebag everybody hates?" What a bitch. I guess big cities just don't have any nice people, right? That's why I think the Knicks should move to Winfield, Kansas where my Aunt lives. That woman is a saint.

Congrats

2009-06-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

We'd like to join Chinese basketball fans and American corporations alike in congratulating 2009 Kobe Bryant for an amazing season and for finally winning the NBA's ultimate prize: the Finals MVP Trophy. Congratulations as well go to the Lakers, and to Pau Gasol for being good enough to win a title yet not charismatic enough to command too much limelight. Well played.

But we would also like to extend our congratulations to the Daily Thunder, who just yesterday claimed an NBA title of their very own:

"Something I was thinking about - The Lakers claim 15 titles. Five of those titles came while they were the Minneapolis Lakers. So if that counts, then I’m ready and fully willing to take that 1979 NBA title and count it. I didn’t feel right about it before, but seeing as one of the greatest sports franchises ever is doing it, I guess it is alright."

Well, I can't argue with his reasoning. I wonder why he felt wrong about it in the first place. Not sure exactly what he means when he says he's gonna "count it" all of a sudden, and how that might alter his interpretation of actual events. What does that mean on a practical level? Is he just gonna start pretending that the 1979 title was won by a team in OKC named the Thunder? Because that's what I do now and it's awesome. I just repeated it over and over to myself enough times to the point that I now literally believe it to be true. Now I brag about it to all my idiot friends. I'm all, "welcome to TitleTown USA, chumps!" and then I start feeling really great about myself. There's just a certain level of pride that comes with acquiring a team that won a title 20 years ago in another state before you cared about basketball. You can't buy that type of feeling, except, I suppose, in this case. But only a precious few will ever know my joy. And to think, all you haters said we couldn't do it! What's up now haters?

Here's a few old photos I found of the celebration, back when Mike Baldwin's mustache was current:

The Lakers are hungry

2009-06-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Kevin Durant Goes Off Message

2009-05-24T00:12:00.000-07:00

During a recent live chat on ESPN.com, Kevin Durant had this unfortunate exchange:

Parker (Memphis, TN): Hey Kevin, How has the adjustment been from Seattle to Oklahoma City? Which do you view more as an "NBA city"?

Kevin Durant: I think the toughest thing is moving everything from Seattle. With Seattle having a team for so long, I think they are more of an NBA city. But the fans in Oklahoma City are great.

I think what he meant to say is that Oklahoma City is a basketball mecca with an allure that was simply too great for any owner to resist. It is a small, quiet town with nice people that enjoy sports. In America, it is completely unique in that regard.

Quote of the Week

2009-05-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

From Stuart Scott, during halftime of the May 10 Rockets-Lakers game:

"We mistakenly said the elbow thrown by Kobe Bryant was to the neck area. It was not. The league clearly said the elbow was thrown to the chest area, not the neck."

Wow, it must be cool to have the league office do all your thinking for you. What's good, critical thought?

BONUS: Here is a list of things Stuart Scott has actually said on the air, apparently in reference to sports. You will not be disappointed. The best part is that you can click on the quotes and the author will actually explain the context and origin of each one. Among my favorites:

"I put the bat up on that pitch, and I hit, I hit, I hit."

"Who 'dat? It's just my baby's daddy."

"Stop. Drop. Shut 'em down. Open up shop."

"Wow! That one's as hardcore as the Wu-Tang Clan on steroids!"

"Michael, Michael, Michael, can't you see. Sometimes your threes just hypnotize me."

10 Minute Silence

2009-04-27T02:28:00.000-07:00

In a shocking twist, the Washington State legislature failed to vote on SB 6116 Sunday night, although there remains talk of a special session. Look how nervous I am.

Maybe if I wasn't the only person on Earth who gave a shit about what Jenni Carlson had to say more of you would have seen this coming. Here she is laying waste to Seattle politicians while managing to sound like one of those kids reviewing a book on reading rainbow. It's pretty darn excruciating.

SOS

2009-04-23T03:16:00.000-07:00

It has come to our attention that SonicsCentral.com is commanding its legion of unwashed urban farmers to call their local representatives in support of Bill 6116. Be warned, Thunder fans.

Also, if you are a Seattleite, I would humbly suggest that you not do this, because then I might have to pay $30 million to the City of Seattle, and I would hate that. I've got mouths to feed.

However, do continue to stay glued to your TVs for the thrilling, 2-month long conclusion to the NBA season. Anything can happen and you don't want to miss it. Where will amazing happen this year? Will the NBA continue to care about things? Is basketball just a game? Or sometimes, is it more? Much more? Who will face off in the Finals? Will it be the Cavs and the Lakers? Yeah probably.

Post-racial humor

2009-03-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

The one good thing about Obama being President is that racism is now a thing of the past. As such, I am now free to share my unique brand of racially charged humor with the world without fear of repercussion. So if I ever have any wry observations about Pakistanis or anorexic black teenagers I no longer have to bite my tongue. Then my son can go ahead and post them on his Facebook page for the world to enjoy:

Hahaha no but seriously those chicks were broke.

UPDATE:

Daulerio finds photographic confirmation @ Deadspin.
Ziller via The Sporting Blog: "Clay Bennett thinks your cheerleaders look absolutely hilarious"
SPORTS by BROOKS: "Claycism"
Supersonicsoul: "Whoops"
Damon Agnos, Seattle Weekly: "Clay Bennett Gets His Don Imus On"
David Goldstein via HorsesAss.Org: "Feet of Clay: Insert Directly in Mouth"
Via cantstopthebleeding.com's Racism Corner

Endless Regimes We Can Believe In

2009-02-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

Here's something weird: the US is now lead by a young-ish black guy who plays basketball and listens to Jay-Z, while the NBA, who's relevant personnel is 85% black, is run by a 90-year old white dinosaur who has only ever touched a basketball for photo-ops.

The David's 25th anniversary as commissioner has unleashed an outpouring of praise and superlatives from the sports media establishment. Seeking opinions on Stern's reign, ESPN went out and got some soundbites from non-biased individuals like an NBA team president and two NBA team owners (note: they think he's great). They balanced the coverage with a selected quote from the NBA's 2-time MVP Steve Nash who did not disagree in polite company. So now that we've heard from all sides I guess that settles it. Oh and also Mike Breen and Mark Jackson think he's the second coming. And Jeremy Schaap wants him to be a US Senator, which is pretty incredible when you think about it. But anyway ESPN climaxed with a softly-lit puff-piece "interview" with Stern (on the sidebar) that was not at all cringe-inducing. David Stern does not at all resemble Gollum from the 1977 animated version of The Hobbit and his smile is 100% natural for an invertebrate with translucent skin. Also, his teeth are not the color of creamed corn.

So while America celebrates hope and change we must simultaneously endure ESPN masturbating to stasis and entrenched power and the glory of the status quo. And better yet, acting like everyone agrees with them. I liked in that clip when they showed Stern hugging Paul Pierce after the 2008 Finals. And yet somehow they forgot to show this moment, which happed seconds earlier. Did he just say "champeen"? Yes.

And then there's J.A. Adande coming to Stern's aide about that dress code flap, in which history has come down firmly on the side of the NBA, apparently:

"The dress code was part of his mission; it sparked a mini cultural war, yet it turned out to be ahead of the curve. Look at the landscape now. Jay-Z disdains wearing jerseys, and Diddy fancies himself a tuxedo-clad James Bond. The NBA was there first."

Uhhhhhh, what? The fuck? Are you talking about? The NBA was there first? Like they made up dressing in suits and shit? Like Jay-Z and P Diddy didn't wear expensive suits before the NBA made it cool? The NBA started that? Huh. So Jay-Z + Diddy = "the landscape". I guess David Stern is really just a fashion forward trend-setter when you think about it. Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm sure he set out to start the newest hip-hop trend by trying to get Jay-Z to NOT wear NBA jerseys thereby ensuring he can lose millions of dollars in merchandise sales. I'm finally sold ESPN, David Stern is a genius. Adande goes on to say "Last season's big story, the Tim Donaghy scandal, did not have a racial angle." Yes, only a game-fixing-by-the-league angle. Another Stern victory.

And it only became his mission after the NBA's 9/11 in Detroit. Then in 2005 David Stern hired George W. Bush campaign strategist Matthew Dowd to craft a marketing strategy to connect with white America. They came up with stuff like dress codes and age limits and shorts that don't touch your knees. Because that's where players hide their guns. They came up with a list of bars players couldn't go to. They upped the technicals. An NBA game in which someone throws a punch is now a "disgrace", while a hockey game without a fight is a disappointment. Dowd's conventional wisdom said that people didn't like the NBA because it was populated by thugs and miscreants, and ever since David Stern has gone out of his way to let America know that he agrees.

But the cool thing is that none of that matters because all you need is five minutes on ESPN and you can go from Vladimir Putin to the Barack Obama-style"global outreach" guy. I guess!

The Onion covers the Thunder

2009-01-23T01:08:00.000-08:00

It was long overdue.

Hat tip to Slandrew, the world's #1 Thunder fan. On second thought it's probably this guy:

Desmond Mason is Fancy Pants

2009-01-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

The Oklahoman's Jenni Carlson has outed OKC fan favorite Desmond Mason as a "fancy pants" Starbucks-loving latte-sipper. From her stunning expose:

JC: So, what’s in the Starbucks cup? Do you do coffee, or are you fancy pants?

DM: "I’m fancy. I go with the seasons, so I’ll probably be drinking a gingerbread latte into January or February. Ginger snap, since they changed the name on it..."

...And besides that, I’m four pumps, light whip, one shot single, extra hot."

Ho-ly Christ, that just sent a chill down my spine. There is no doubt Desmond was wearing a scarf when he said that.

There is only one heterosexually-safe way to make coffee, and here it is. Take a tin can of Folgers Crystals that is at least old enough to no longer have the label attached. Looking at the happy couple drinking coffee on the label is like peering through a window to your own gayness. It should be found in the garage between a rifle and hatchet. Mix 2 parts coffee and one part gravel. Boil water from the hose or ideally a river over a burning tire. Put some dirt-coffee mix into a sports-related mug from no later than 1992 and pour in water once it becomes scalding. Stir it with with the first thing at arm's length. If you want cream or sugar, do yourself a favor and keep your goddamn mouth shut. Take a hearty swig, spit it on the ground and say "this coffee tastes like shit." This is not open for discussion.

BILB will keep Desmond in our prayers.

TV is hard.

2009-01-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

Mark Cuban was one of just two owners to vote against the Sonics' move to Oklahoma City. He's a total cockblocker, and his intransigence won't soon be forgotten. Money over bitches, Cuban. Here's some of his "reasoning":

"There could be information that sways me," he said. "If they come back and said the Oklahoma City index is 200 when it comes to watching the NBA on TNT or ABC, and no one in Seattle watches, then OK maybe there's information that goes beyond market size."

Well, Sports Media Watch has been gathering that information:

"In Seattle, which is undergoing its first season without an NBA team in 42 years, nationally televised NBA games are averaging a 0.8 rating on ESPN and a 0.9 on TNT, down 20% and 10% respectively from a 1.0 on each network last year."

See? Nobody in Seattle likes the NBA. At least, not anymore. David Stern is such a genius. The article continues.

"In Oklahoma City, which is in its first year as a full-time NBA city, games on ESPN are averaging a 0.9 rating, down 18% from a 1.1 in '07, while games on TNT are averaging a surprisingly low 0.6 -- down 33% from a 0.9 last year.

According to Nielsen, Oklahoma City Thunder telecasts are averaging a 1.2/2 rating and approximately 9,000 homes on KSBI (6 games), and a 1.1/2 and approximately 7,000 homes on FS Oklahoma. Sonics games averaged a 1.27 rating on FSN Northwest for the full 2007-08 season, equaling approximately 22,600 homes."

So, apparently ratings are worse for Oklahoma City's inaugural NBA season than they were for the 2007-08 Sonics' 82-game "Fuck You" to the fans of Seattle. And apparently a 1.2 rating translates into a lot more homes in Seattle than it does in Oklahoma City. Somehow this information doesn't mesh with my perception of Thunder fans as the greatest sports fans in history of both sports and fans. If only there were some prominent Oklahoman, perhaps our sportscaster-turned-mayor, who could try to explain this away to the New York Times. Oh, here we go:

“Our fan base is still really not in tune with the rest of the league and even our team on the road,” Cornett said. “I don’t get the sense that if you walked into a restaurant and our team is playing a road game, that it’s a given that they are going to be playing it on TV. The market just hasn’t matured in that respect. To them, the N.B.A. is 41 home games, and the rest will take time to develop.”

Well put, Mayor Mick. Everyone knows it will take time for Thunder fans--fans who deserved to have this basketball team more than its old fans--to figure out that half the games aren't played in Oklahoma. Naturally. Road games are a tricky concept. It's something that can only be learned through maturation and personal growth, and maybe those refrigerator magnet schedules they hand out for free. But mostly maturity. Hopefully, the fans who can figure out how to drive to the Ford Center can eventually also learn how to turn on the TV and navigate to the correct channel at the appropriate times. Maybe in year three.

More Offensive Specialist Journeymen, Please!

2009-01-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

(h/t: wizznutzz)

In a move that will make some people say "we are now among the deepest of prolific offensive teams", we've cleansed ourselves of another Walker/Sund-Era bust to acquire Chatkins from our bitter divisional rival/cancerous PG secondhand source, Denver. Hey, we're done carrying your ass frenchie, and no, Axe body spray is not a shower substitute. Presti's Plan is the new Pickens Plan, except less packaged for eco-extremists. If you forgot, get familiar (via USA Today):

The result, he hopes, will be improvement on the defensive end and steady progress toward embracing the team identity he has conjured up in his mind. If a player fits into that mold, Presti has the resources to pounce.

"We're looking for guys that will play both ends of the floor, but you can't have a team that's made up of only defensive players. There needs to be balance to everything you do," Presti said. "We want guys that will compete. We want players that are going to fit the plan that we're looking to execute."

34 yr. old Chatkins, with less explosiveness and more hernia, gives us that "balance". In addition, this move positions us for late-round cracks at 2 more ~~NBA-ready~~, ~~fan favorite~~ Devon Harkins's. I mean... wait.

More good news though is that we now have more of this:

and much less of this:

Carmelo'd

2009-01-03T00:38:00.000-08:00

McC already posted on the game but I just wanted to say kudos to the men in rainbow for another epic almost-win. To think; they nearly beat a team above .500 for the first time all year. The Nuggets! But they didn't. Beating the Nuggets in a close game would have finally shown all the nay-sayers that the Thunder are FOR REALS now, and would have proven how far they've come since the beginning of the year and how much they've improved since last year, when, in fact, they did beat the Nuggets:

Progress!

TRAP GAME!

2009-01-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

My New Year's resolution was two-fold this year. One, to not invest most everything I have into my own foresight and ability, and two, to start acting like an owner who knows how to win and who's been there before. That's why tonight's win didn't rattle me at all- 2.7 seconds on the clock and Desmond Mason enters to fancy the shit out of the team D and stifle perimeter threats with his sensitive demeanor? Trap game. Secured by our learned and savvy 4th quarter endgame, I promptly switched off Brian Davis' frantic one man symphony of beeps, whistles and purrs, picked up the phone, and immediately went all-in on CHK. Why? Because Presti is my new finance guy and told me blowing up my portfolio and not diversifying is what Kevin Pritchard would do. Oh, and he also told me resolutions are for crybaby assholes. I didn't get it either, but did you "find" Tony Parker in the late first round? Case-closed hotshot.

PJ lives where now?

2008-12-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

Greatest PJC pic ever by Garbage Time All-Stars (via BDL)

The Seattle PI recently spoke with Thunder legend/scapegoat/punchline PJ Carlesimo and curiously, he now lives in Seattle again.

That's weird. I guess I just assumed he would continue living in OKC and spend his time collecting canned goods for food banks. I mean, he did say moving to OKC was the “best thing to ever happen” to the Sonics, so I’m a bit perplexed over here. He also said Oklahoma City is “infinitely better geographically” than Seattle. I know that because Darnell Mayberry devoted an entire article to that quote.

Hey, great point PJ and the Oklahoman. Being relatively closer to certain NBA cities is a major credit to Oklahoma City. “OKC, we’re closer to the east coast than half of America”. We don’t have the jet lag and we save money on gas. Maybe we should just put all NBA teams in the geographic center of the country, or better yet in Oklahoma itself. ZERO JET LAG. Why don't they do this already? Say, for example, you like visiting both New York and Los Angeles. Where should you live? Nebraska.

Although on second thought this is the kind of thought process that might get you browbeaten by David Stern for being "such an American":

Ugh, Americans are the worst. I mean....I applaud your vision, taxpayers!

But anyway, why PJ decided to go back to Seattle is anybody’s guess. It's hard to even find a place that's infinity-times worse than any other place. Now he's living in one? I just figured he would want his kids to grow up in a town that promotes family values and not a 19^th century fur-trading outpost run by Windows Vista. Everyone knows Vista sucks. Maybe he had an Earl Watson-type club incident or something? Lotta folks round here don’t take kindly to the bearded. But that’s only because they think they’re better then everyone. God-damned beardos and their bearded agenda will be the death of this country. C'mon, it's not like you’re born bearded or anything, it’s a lifestyle choice. So, what the fuck? Sorry the whole thing just grosses me out.

Monday's Musings: 12-29

2008-12-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

OKC talk...
Nenad To the Rescue
All of us Boomer fans received a much needed Christmas miracle when the Thunder made one of the most significant moves since the Celtics acquired KG and Ray Allen. Signing the 7 foot Serbian gangster was so significant that Presti and Clay left nothing to chance. Instead of over-night mailing the offer sheet to the Nets, "They sent a guy on a plane to hand-deliver it," Rod Thorn explained, with some amusement. "I'm sure that's been done before, but I really can't think of another time. I guess they were in a hurry." I'm glad we're amusing you.

Not Your Avg. Joe
Yet another insightful report from your and my favorite sports writer, Darnell Mayberry, caught my eye this week. My diminutive colleague recently revealed, "What went untold is the impact the (trade) report had on Smith and his family." How true, how neglectful we are in the media to dehumanize these hardworking gangly court-warriors. Just think how devastating a move would be on Yolanda Smith. How would the family cope with a completely new city, home, etc? A move to a 12th team would be truly shocking. But DM is right, Joe Smith is a "hot commodity" because of his "veteran savvy and skills"....or maybe it's just his expiring contract.

24 Seconds or Less
Proving to be the Yin to Jerry Colangelo's Yang, mastermind Sam Presti is building a team of giants to eventually dominate the NBA. Instead of speed, skill, or athleticism, Presti is banking on height alone. As the gaudy Chris Wilcox observed, "Right now, we've got nine big men. ... Something has got to happen." Yeah, like draft another one.

Around the NBA...
The OG
Speaking of Serbian gangsters, Darko Milicic was recently sent back to the IR for a broken knuckle. As a teammate once observed, “I’m telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster,” Rasheed Wallace said. “Darko’s got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys.” No report on the cause of the injury.

The Stern Way
The NBA Cares. David Stern cares. And to prove it the NBA boasts at least 89 stand-alone player charities. The Salt Lake Tribune found: "Only about 44 cents of every dollar raised actually reached needy causes. The average NBA player foundation put just 51 cents of each dollar it spent toward charitable programs, well below the 65 cents most philanthropic watchdog groups view as acceptable...Up to a quarter of NBA player charities analyzed lacked even basic documentation required by the Internal Revenue Service." Hmmmm...public financing, charitable tax write offs, and gambling referees -- David Stern's family is looking more and more like Tony Soprano's.

Mr. Monday is an irreverent wit and anonymous foe to those he deems fit. When he's not busy anointing hippies "leafy-green" or "hybrid-driving, carpooling, mountain-climbers", he splits his time between the oklahoman and BiLB to keep those outside the truth filter in check. To read his oklahoman archive, pay a visit to blog.newsok.com/mrmonday, or refer here to his newest home in the blogosphere for the wry and the whimsical.

The 2nd Worst Show on Earth

2008-12-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

“It will enhance public perception of the entire state,” gushed Brad Henry, Oklahoma’s governor, when we spoke. “We’ll be on SportsCenter every night.” (NY Times)

Just another PR triumph for Oklahoma City's second favorite NBA team.

Kid Delicious v.1's

2008-12-27T02:03:00.001-08:00

The new KD's. Put some spring in your ill-advised men's league 22-footers or shutdown 6 year-old bday parties. Your call.

UPDATE: More perspective on KD 1.0's set to debut tonight. Marketing 101: No press is bad press:

Deadspin: "Finally... sweet Jesus, Kevin Durant. Do you design your shoes in the dark?"
FanHouse: "Kevin Durant Came Out With These Shoes, Ronald McDonald Immediately Pissed"
FanIQ: "Kevin Durant's Shoes Are A Complete Nightmare"
RealGM Wiretap Archives: "Durant's Nike Shoes A Ronald McDonald Disaster?"

Introducing your Springfield Excitement!

2008-12-18T01:36:00.000-08:00

The Simpsons had an terrific episode last Sunday. Here's the plot: First, Mr. Burns acquires a professional basketball franchise (the Austin Celtics) from that billionaire cowboy and moves them to his hometown of Springfield. Soon after he decides the only way to bring in the fans is with a brand new arena at the taxpayer's expense. So far, awesome. Next, the noble townspeople hold a referendum on building this "decadent monument to excess". Behold as the liberal naysayer is crushed by the awesome power of #1 draft pick and dominant Ketchikan center, Mok Mu:

Kiss Cams? Draft picks?? This debate is over. Make way for the new home of the "Springfield Excitement"!

Almost as good as "Energy" (Darnell's choice) but not quite as powerful as "Thunder" if you ask me. Singular is in. And I dig the blue and orange jerseys. Here's the scene on opening night, which was no doubt the greatest night in Springfield history:

"Welcome to the American dream, a billionaire using public funds to construct a private playground for the rich and powerful!"

Doesn't look like they won, but that's cool. Everyone's just pumped to have a team. They've got an exciting young nucleus and a potential superstar in Mok Mu. Not to mention an energized fanbase with impressive bee-attendance figures nearing 500,000. Hopefully they can sustain it as the season progresses.

Guess who got named Oklahoman of the Year? (Updated)

2008-12-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

This is how you sell merchandise

That's right, yours truly has been named the best person our state had to offer this year. No joke.

"No one came close to Clay Bennett as we set about selecting this year’s Oklahoman of the Year,” said Louisa McCune-Elmore, Oklahoma Today editor-in-chief. "His accomplishment presents an extraordinary moment in the life of Oklahoma, probably among the most important achievements in our capital city’s history.”

Yes, bringing the 2-24 shell of a basketball team to OKC at the expense of another region's fanbase, civic heritage and cultural identity is quite possibly the most important achievement in our city's history. That should fill us all with pride. They weren't "Real America" anyway. And it's good to know we have our priorities in line.

I'm also honored by Oklahoma Magazine's dedication to that most Christian ideal: "The end justifies the means". Who gives a shit how we got a team? We got one, didn't we? They're right there in the blinding rainbow uniforms getting their asses kicked. Who cares if we had to lie, cheat, steal, deceive, extort, and kiss ass to get it? Jesus would have done the same thing, because Jesus is major-league. Sure, our state ranks 47th in teacher salaries, but maybe they should have worked harder on their jumpshots in the off-season. Oklahoma media circles know that the people who truly need greater recognition are the uber-rich profiteers who feed at the public trough. They're the ones getting us all this national respect, at least according to the vague assumptions in my wife's newspaper. You're welcome, Oklahoma.

UPDATE: More national respect from Deadspin!

Clippers Lower the Boom

2008-12-16T23:52:00.000-08:00

And lower the Boomers to 2-24. With the Thunder's second home loss of the year to the lowly Clippers, Scotty Brooks is now 1-12 as head coach. That's the same record achieved by mentor PJ Carlesimo that led to his firing and the end of his illustrious NBA career. Does this mean Brooks is next on the chopping block? I have no idea, because I'm in way over my head.

It was cool to see Eric Gordon light us up, though. Presti decided to pass on him because Westbrook is more defensive-minded. So far that approach is working out great. The defense under Brooks, as "Thunderguru" shows, is "historically bad". Seems like it's a lot harder to build a San Antonio-style defensive power without Tim Duncan. Will Kevin Durant become the Duncan-esque lynchpin of a suffocating team-defense? I prefer not to think about it, because it only reminds me that I have no business owning a basketball team.

At least the Thunder faithful were once again out in force, with 18,275 in the stands. That's pretty good even though it once again wasn't a sellout. Wait, what? Oh, Mike Baldwin says there were actually only "around 16,000" on hand. I guess that's around 2,275 less good. And as far as I know is a new season low. Good thing they don't report actual attendance figures, am I right?? Lolz.

If it's any consolation, I've spoken with Big Stern and he's assured me we're getting the first pick in the draft. Suck it, bitches. Obviously we'll take hometown cross-dressing hero Blake Griffin and play him, where, center? So we can complete our undersized front-court of Griffin and Green? Or we could play him at his natural PF, moving Jeff Green to the bench? Or putting Durant back at the 2? I don't have the first clue. One thing is clear, and that is I have severely overestimated my ability to run a sports franchise.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkk.

2008-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

So...who's thinking about renewing season tickets? I'm sure everyone's still Thunder-psyched about what Nick Collison calls "the most miserable season I've ever been a part of." Many of you already know what a great bargain season tickets were at only ~~30%~~ 36% above last season's prices in Seattle. I'm here to remind you that a real fan would renew. You're a real fan aren't you? Well, I guess that depends. Sure you could find tickets online for a fraction of the cost and could probably fish some out of any number of local dumpsters, but then you'd be a total pussy. You're not a pussy, right?

Let me tell you, you won't want to miss a second of the action. Who knows what you'll see on any given night? Take Wednesday night for example. On Wednesday, the Boom squad was coming off its worst loss of the year, which you probably know. A complete joke of a performance. So then the schedule throws us a softball and gives us a shot at Memphis at home, one of only two teams we've beaten this year. Memphis sucks. Now, you might think that any team with a shred of dignity would make sure they came out and put that game into the win column, especially before they head out to Dallas and San Antonio. You might also think that once you build a 21-point lead over the Memphis Grizzlies at home you will probably win the game. But that's what makes Boomer basketball so unbelievable.

Instead, the Thunder managed to get routed in the fourth quarter to complete a truly epic collapse. Exciting stuff. Let's see what Scotty Brooks has to say for himself:

Look at that, another "life lesson". I guess Scotty Brooks is like the Zen Master now. He's Phil Jackson with one career win. Hey Scott, maybe your next lesson should be teaching the Thunder how to score more points than the other team. Worth a shot, right? Or you can just continue making an ass of me. Either way.

So here we are with a 2-21 record and no idea where our next win will come from. It's been 38 days since our last (only) victory at the Ford Center.

But they say it's darkest before the dawn. It's probably darker when you're asleep though. No wait, dead. It's darkest when you're dead, and your rotting corpse of a team is decomposing deep underground. I think that's the expression.

Everything is under control

2008-12-09T03:41:00.000-08:00

Don't panic, Thunder fans. Stay with me. I got this. I GOT THIS. Your boy Clay is on top of this shit right here. Don't you bail on me, don't you dare goddammit. Are you reading this, Darnell? You fucking Judas, you. You like your job don't you? You like getting paid to watch NBA games and then spend ten minutes writing piddling observations for money, right? I thought so. Oklahoman writers wanna get tough now, huh? "Get used to the cellar"? What is that shit? That kind of talk does not move merchandise. "9 win season"? Thanks for the history lesson. Here's another bit of recent history for you to chew on, smart guy:

Sucks to get clowned by Berry Tramel. And now I got John Rohde writing "Shame on the Thunder". Cute. I'm about 2 seconds from walking up into that building and cleaning house.

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. We're right where we want to be. The rebuilding plan is working to absolute perfection. The future's so bright I have to wear Ray-Bans when I'm sitting courtside. I need some SPF 50 just to write Robert Swift's check.

Yeah we're 2-20. Yeah. Good one. So what? Are you saying you want to fight me? Say something else, I am 100% not fucking around anymore. Dudes, that was a tough game tonight against a formidable opponent, and we came up short, that's all. We faced a quality 5-15 team riding a nine-game losing streak and missing their three best players. At home. And were down by as many as 21 to a team that lost by 35 two days ago. And we couldn't pull it out despite 41 points from Kevin Durant. No big deal. You win some, you lose some. You play games with the team you have, not the team you may want or wish to have at a later time. Don Rumsfeld. The fans don't care about wins and losses, they just like watching a bunch of back-ups fuck around for 48 minutes. Plus the season-ticket holders already wrote their checks. Money talks. The fans were like, "I want to give you my hard-earned money so you can give it to Chris Wilcox. Keep some for yourself, too." Done.

We also had our lowest attendance to date, with a reported 17,854 in the stands. But that's neither here nor there.

But don't worry everyone, Mike Baldwin said that the team would go 8-7 in December due to how weak the schedule is. So far we're 0-4. Guess that means we're looking at an 8-3 run. Get your tickets Boomer fans! They're like $3 on Craigslist.

Thunder - Magic Game Summary

2008-12-06T02:52:00.000-08:00

National Attention!

2008-12-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

Today, ESPN dedicated their NBA front page to showering Oklahoma City with glorious attention. God it feels amazing. As I noted yesterday, ESPN will be following the Thunder this season in their pursuit of history. John Hollinger notes:

"Although this is still terrible, it's a big improvement on the 1-12 mark and minus-12.3 margin under Carlesimo. (And as one Seattle jokester noted, Brooks already tied Carlesimo's record for the most wins by a coach in Thunder history.)"

I don't know who this "jokester" is, but he certainly has an impressive grasp of NBA history.

Also, you won't want to miss David Berri's darn fine rebuttal to the Thunderworld's assessment of Russell "Derrick Rose" Westbrook. I guess they'll just have to agree to disagree about reality.

MC Last Place

2008-12-02T02:10:00.000-08:00

Great news today for fans of both the Thunder and forgettable, derivative rap music. Oklahoma City rapper 'Flame' has written a song about the Thunder Boomers, and it's every bit as good as you're probably thinking. There's no better way to boost your street cred than by putting 'Clay Bennett' in your lyrics. Props to McC for finding this gem:

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a fan of hip-hop music or hip-hop culture, and I think it leads directly to the moral decay of society. I am by no means open-minded to things outside of my comfort zone and live my life in a state of perpetual fear of the unknown. I am, however, a big fan of anyone with a delusionally optimistic take on Thunder basketball.

Sample lyrics:

"They realize what we doin' now Seattle fans switchin"

Oh shit, Sonics fans dissed by a guy reading lyrics via text message. I OWN A CELL PHONE, BITCHES. That must be because you have such a successful rap career.

"History in the making".

Correct.

"Hotter than Brooke Hogan".

Is that like being cooler than David Stern?

What's your favorite Flame lyric, Thunder fans?

Scotty Brooks makes Thunder History

2008-12-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

Scotty Brooks etched his name into history this weekend by becoming the Thunder's all-time winningest head coach, tying the mark previously set by Thunder legend PJ Carlesimo. There were approximately 156 people on hand in Memphis to witness the event.

I went to check out the "Thunder History" page at the Oklahoman and saw that they've noted the recent coaching change, but have neglected or forgotten to update a lot of other stuff. Check it out here. Or better yet, take a look at this word cloud I made of the page and see if you can spot what I'm referring to:

I went ahead and made those corrections:

Feel free to use that, Mike Sherman.

1-16

2008-11-28T22:58:00.000-08:00

I might be upset if I had any emotional attachment to this team whatsoever. Fortunately I'm usually more concerned with what sportcoat/tapered-blue-jean combo I'm gonna rock to wow the courtside crowd. And that was a complete success.

On the plus side the Thunder Boomers are totally improving, but then again so are the 11-year-olds at the YMCA that play in yellow t-shirts on carpeted basketball courts. It seems pretty logical to assume that any given team with any given group of players will most likely get better if allowed to play and practice together for an 82-game season. I guess the hard part is improving relative to other NBA teams.

But I'm sure we are, even though we just lost to the only team we've beaten so far this year. And despite the fact that last year in Seattle we were 5-16, and we're currently 1-16. Improving, yeah, that's it.

Remember Thunders, the fans don't care if you win or lose as long as you tried your very best. The NBA is all about having fun, making friends and learning about teamwork while getting paid millions and millions of dollars. It's pretty much like Boys & Girls Club basketball except your parents get charged $80 to sit in the stands.

Here are some action shots I took from courtside tonight:

1-15

2008-11-26T00:25:00.000-08:00

Last night the Thunder cruised to an easy moral victory against the Suns. They were up by 13 at the half, and held a 16-point advantage late in the third. It was enough for Berry Tramel to dub the game "Re-Opening night" and declare the NBA had finally returned to OKC. "Mark it down", he said. Yes, I'll be sure to go sharpie that into my Big Book of Meaningless Statements. It was almost as if they didn't implode down the stretch and lose their 12th straight game.

But who gives a shit really, as long as they learned a "valuable lesson". The Thunder is racking up life lessons like the 7th graders at Degrassi Junior High. They had finally returned to their glory days of getting beat by less-than-totally-humiliating margins, and everyone was buzzing about positives and takeaways and improvement.

And then we played Cleveland.

Not even Darnell Mayberry dared spin this one in a positive light, calling it "a new low" for Thunder basketball. The Cavs started the game on a 13-0 run and lead 66-32 at halftime, their biggest halftime lead in franchise history. They eventually extended their lead to as many as 42 at in the second half, most of which was done by the Cavs' second and third units. The vaunted Thunder defense allowed the Cavs to shoot 60.8% from the floor while the 'Der shot an abysmal 35.4%, a season-low. But at least we got to watch Lebron, right? Yeah, for a career-low 17 minutes.

And none of that even rivaled the best moment of the night, which came during a halftime skit in which various fans said what they were thankful for this Thanksgiving. Here's Darnell's take from the Thunder live blog:

"First up was a kid who said I’m thankful for the opportunity to give LeBron James a high five. He proceeds to walk over to the Cavs huddle before being chased down by the Cavs mascot. The crowd boos for not letting the kid high five LeBron.

The next guy, an adult, says he’s thankful for the Cavalier Girls. The crowd cheers.

Then, a kid says, "I'm thankful I don't have to watch the Thunder every night."

I think that young man learned the true meaning of Thanksgiving tonight. Either that or he's pissed he finally gets to go to a Cavs game and LeBron only plays 17 minutes. Thanks, Thunder.

Quote of the Day

2008-11-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

"It’s been bad, real bad to know that you’re the laughing stock of the league right now. No one’s saying that, that I’ve heard publicly, but I mean we’re just not relevant besides in Oklahoma City. That hurts.”

— Thunder guard Damien Wilkins on the team’s 1-13 start.

Damien picking out Darnell's Christmas present.

PJC: In Memoriam

2008-11-23T18:40:00.001-08:00

ESPN has a rather harsh assessment of PJ's sudden exit from the Thundertown Boomers.

Chris Sheridan says some crazy stuff like “haven’t even been competitive”, "Fans booed the team", “best young players aren’t developing the way they should”, “humiliated on national TV", “not even competitive”, “just 12 games into a new season in a new city and the fans already booing” and so on and so forth. Totally classless.

PJ Carlesimo is an honorable bearded-American and should be remembered as such. That's why I took the liberty of crafting a more appropriate tribute video for PJ's 13-game OKC journey. Many a treasured memory from the man Adrian Wojnarowski will fondly remember as an "unrepentent screamer."

"A team OKC would sell its soul for"

2008-11-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

Berry Tramel calls the Hornets "a team Oklahoma City would sell it's soul for." Can't argue with that.

The Thunder just played back-to-back games against OKC's "first love" and "old flame" etc, etc. The team OKC actually wanted.

Extending this analogy, I'd say the Hornets are like that underrated girl in high school that went through a really rough patch at home and started acting out and slumming with some dude who really shouldn't have had a realistic shot at her. But then she eventually got things turned around and went off to college and stopped returning his calls. Now he just stalks her on Facebook. Meanwhile the dude kept hanging out at high school parties after graduation trying to bang chicks from the drill team. Eventually he found someone but she's pretty young and they don't really have all that much in common or anything to talk about, so mostly he just spends his time watching college football. And everyone keeps comparing him to her ex-boyfriend. I guess she's pretty decent looking. She's like a 7, but she's one of those girls that wears a lot of make-up and Tiffany's jewelry, so whatever. Plus now that they're engaged she sort of stopped trying and just hangs out in her sweatpants and retainer all day. Then one day the girl's back home for Thanksgiving and they see each other at a party and dude tries his best to make her think things are going really well with him and the new girl, but, yeah it's kind of obvious their relationship is pretty forced. Now all he can do is fantasize about her while he's making out with Damien Wilkins.

It's a little hard to compete with all this Hornets-love going on. Even Royce from the Thunderworld wonders if "Maybe we should have waited three more years and made a play for the Hornets."

Well, all I can say is gee, sorry I didn't get you the right color Range Rover, OKC. I guess you'll just have to settle for this other NBA team I brought you to quench your ravenous blood lust. I know it's not much, but I actually had to do a lot of things I'm not very proud of to get it for you--like sacrifice my honor and reputation -- so, you know, the least you could do is stay to watch for four quarters. At least while ESPN's here. Because there are about a billion NBA fans in China that would love to watch Earl Watson and Russell Westbrook try to run an offense, but they have to settle for stuffing the All-Star ballot for Yi Jianlian. That guy's gonna have a ridiculous resume someday.

R.I.P.

2008-11-22T03:48:00.001-08:00

Late last night after being thoroughly humiliated on national television, I led the diseased, skeletal remains of PJ Carlesimo's head-coaching career out behind the Ford Center tool shed, loaded my rifle, and steadied my aim just long enough to mercifully put a bullet through it's skull. Today, I am a man.

Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-ennett"?

2008-11-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

So last night the Thunder were completely dismantled by the 1-9 Clippers on their home floor. Completely dismantled. They trailed by 25 at one point. It was quintessential Thunder basketball, and was a great evening for the entire family.

But then, late in the 3rd quarter, in just the 7th home game in their existence, the greatest basketball fans the world has ever known actually started to boo the team. PJ said it also occurred during a "good chunk of the first half".

What a triumphant moment for myself, Oklahoma City, David Stern and the NBA at large.

Here's my favorite part from John Rohde's article:

"Former Oklahoma State standout Desmond Mason was with the Hornets during their stay in Oklahoma City and has said the best thing about playing ball here is you don’t get booed, no matter how tough the going gets."

He then says:

"Even after a game like that, they told us to keep our heads up, to keep playing," Mason said. "You don’t get that kind of treatment very often."

Great effort, Desmond.

But I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking "How in God's name does a team get booed by fans who have only watched them play seven games? In their inaugural season? After having billed themselves as the greatest, most supportive fans ever? After hyping themselves more than the team itself? After virtually taking credit for the Hornets' success? After endlessly bemoaning Seattle's 'lack of fan support' and actually claiming to deserve the team more than the city it belonged to for 41 years? Doesn't that strike them as completely deplorable? Is this a joke? Am I here right now?"

Slow down, my reactionary friend, there's a simple explanation for this.

They weren't saying "boo", the were saying "Boooo-mers!". You know the Boomers, right? It's the nickname Berry Tramel coined and has been mercilessly using in an offhand manner for weeks as if his readers are supposed to know what the fuck he's talking about. As if this nickname doesn't exist entirely in his own mind. Oh, you haven't seen that video? I don't blame you, but here it is anyway:

Christ. Keep trying to make "Boomers" happen, Berry, apparently it's catching on. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Almost as good as last year

2008-11-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

So if you haven't been following the Thunder this week, let me just tell you that things are really, really going awesome. Sports journalism icon Darnell Mayberry writes:

"The Thunder’s record is identical to the 10-game start last season by the Seattle SuperSonics. That season resulted in a franchise-worse [sic] 20-62 record."

Yeah, I suppose that's a little discouraging. I mean we're actually trying to win games this year, right? I'm pretty sure I cc'd PJ on that email. What's even more discouraging about that statement is that it's completely false. The Thunder have a worse record through 10 games than the Sonics did last year in Seattle. That team started 2-8, this team is 1-9. It was probably really difficult to type that so I can understand the error.

The basketball think tank at the Oklahoman is now quietly revising their win-total predictions from just a few short weeks ago. Because nobody could have seen this coming. No one. Who could have guessed the Thunder would be terrible? Completely unforeseeable. Kinda like the Iraq war. Nobody on earth predicted that would be a disaster. But then again maybe that's what happens when you formulate your prediction in an echo chamber of bias and uninformed opinion. Maybe those ESPN media elites actually knew what they were talking about. Maybe hubris and rosy predictions and AC/DC and a nauseating sense of entitlement and an utter lack of self-awareness aren't enough to win in this league. Maybe NBA players aren't intimidated by balloons and loud fat guys in terrible merchandise and a complete moron with a brick on his head who's team plays in 'Bricktown' and shoots a league-worst 40.8% from the floor. I suppose that's possible.

But I'm sticking to my guns that the "Thunder Way" is the only way to win in the NBA. Darnell just dropped an article called "Staying the Course", which is likely the first time since 2005 that phrase has been used in a non-ironic way. Everything's under control. Presti is about 2 months from turning OKC into San Antonio. That's our model. Oh, no wait... now apparently it's Atlanta, Portland and New Orleans. Okay then. So basically, whatever team is good or improving in the NBA right now is what the Thunder will be at some point in the future. And as none of you can see the future, there is no way to tell me I'm wrong. And if someday the future reveals a reality that is totally at odds with my prediction, that's because nobody could have seen it coming.

Edu-tainment

2008-11-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

The Thunder love learning so much it makes you wonder why more of them didn't spend four years in college. In a performance Desmond Mason described as "embarrassing" and the Thunderworld called "valiant", OKC received another priceless ~~losing~~ learning experience on Friday night at the hands of the Knicks. Here's the take on the Thunder's continued improvement from some dude at communist rag the NY Times:

"Since the Knicks last saw them, the SuperSonics had changed cities, uniform colors and team name — everything except their actual identity, which is still defined by a lack of veteran talent and a disregard for defense.

The Knicks had a 12-point lead by the 4:18 mark of the first quarter, a 24-point lead early in the second quarter and a 30-point lead early in the third. The Knicks had 68 points by halftime, a feat they last achieved in January 2007, against the Sonics."

Someone must have forgotten to tell this guy that the Thunder are a "defensive-minded" team this year and have vastly improved since last season. But maybe this guy lives in the "reality-based" community. Fortunately for Thunder fans the Oklahoman doesn't, which is probably why they convinced themselves that Desmond Mason + Joe Smith + rookie = 15+ win improvement.

PJ Carlesimo is an embarrassment

2008-11-14T12:17:00.000-08:00

Our own PJ Carlesimo is a proud member of the All-NBA Embarassment team:

"Carlesimo has no business coaching in the NBA. Sure, he put up some wins as the Portland Trailblazers head coach, but the Blazers were already a solid team when he was hired.

He was let go by the Blazers and the Golden State Warriors picked him as their next head coach. In a little over a season as the Warriors coach, he went a combined 46-113 during that time.

Now he's coaching the Seattle Sonics/Oklahoma City Thunder and is off to the same way he started as Warriors coach. So far his record as coach of the team in just over a full season is 21-68. Talk about embarrassing for a NBA team to pick him as a coach.

His problem is that he doesn't know how to handle the older players.

As an assistant coach, he was greatly respected, but as a head coach he doesn't demand respect from his players. Look at what happened when he was with the Warriors and Latrell Sprewell attacked him and the infamous choke marks on his neck."

Congratulations, Coach. PJ is definitely a great hire if you're looking for someone to lose games, alienate fans and insult your city. If not, though, you might want to go with a guy who players respect.

Well, that was fun.

2008-11-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

Kelly Dwyer goes behind the box score:

"Dwight Howard had 30 points, 19 rebounds, and 10 blocks in this game. Mentioning anything else would be doing you a disservice."

Did we sell out? No. But did we learn a whole lot? Obviously:

"The effort was there, but the intensity wasn’t the first 24 minutes,” said Thunder center Robert Swift. "We picked it up in the second half. But we could have, and should have, played with (Orlando) the full 48 minutes. It’s a learning experience for a young team.”

Moral victories piling up for Thunder

2008-11-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

Running the best Thunder blog on the internet comes with a certain level of responsibility, and rest assured I take that responsibility very seriously. Unfortunately I've had a very hectic week here at PBC HQ, which has kept me from my normal blogging regimen. And if there is one thing I like more than my readers, it's money. I will choose dollars over Thunder fans every day of my life and OKC fans will only respect me more for it, because the "sports is a business" mantra has been ingrained into the very fiber of their being.

With that out of the way, there are a lot of victories to catch up on. Not actual victories, of course, but moral victories, which some naysayers and bitter Seattleites might also call "losses". But moral victories are just as good as real ones. "Moral victory" and/or 'learning experience" is a great way to frame a loss to your readers after having sold them on the fact that this team would win 37 games, largely because of how gifted OKC fans are at cheering at inappropriate times.

No, that loss to Boston (you know, the game Darnell Mayberry said we would win) wasn't actually a loss, but a valuable learning experience. Did you know we were winning after the first quarter?? We were. Leading after one quarter is a definite moral victory. But unfortunately NBA games last longer than 12 minutes. And one man's "hot start" is another man's "didn't take this team seriously enough to try hard for the first quarter". But not to worry, Thunder fans. John Rohde notes that the Celtics were mired in a 24-58 season until they convinced someone to give them Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. There's a realistic and not at all ironic blueprint for you. Now all we need is to find a couple patsies to give us their all-stars.

In Utah we learned how to go down by 31 points in the first half and eventually summon the minimal pride necessary to stage a rally after being embarrassed and "borderline disrespected" by the Jazz. Earl Watson said they were treating the Thunder like "little brothers". So, you know, kudos for mounting a meaningless "comeback" against the Utah reserves after the game had been decided and the other team was treating you like the JV squad. Impressive. Or as the Oklahoman described it, "valiant". Chalk this one up as another "w" in the moral victory column.

Against Atlanta, we learned how to collapse down the stretch in front of yet another Sunday night non-sellout crowd. Earl Watson was presumably taking notes on how to lose more efficiently next time.

Then, in Indiana, we learned how to lose to a mediocre team with a depleted roster. A team that used all 12 players in uniform due to injuries and foul trouble. Asked what he learned from yet another loss, Nick Collison replied, "It’s the same thing, I don’t know. We got to try to change what we’re doing.” So yeah, I don't know either. I guess the lesson for this game is more or less the same as every other game, which is "we're not good".

But all this ~~losing~~ learning is only indicative of how much promise our team has, right guys? And after a full season of getting their learn on in Seattle en route to a 20-62 record last year, the Thunder must be, like, the smartest team in the league by now.

Moral record: 7-0

Actual record: 1-6

Thunbelievable!

2008-11-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

In front of a non-sellout crowd that was 1,000 seats below capacity in just the second home game in the history of our team, the Thundermen managed to come from behind to beat one of the league's worst teams. Time to go apeshit, OKC!

Jerry Zgoda of the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports (via Truehoop):

"Two signs the Wolves aren't playing the Seattle SuperSonics anymore: Prayer preceeded the national anthem and the pregame meal in the media room featured chicken fried steak in the shape of the state of Oklahoma."

Thanks for the win, God. And also for the delicious, state-shaped entree.

Thunder lose to Rockets, improve to 0-2.

2008-11-02T01:09:00.000-07:00

Here's the lead sentence from Darnell Mayberry's writeup:

"In the final six minutes of Saturday night’s first half, Kevin Durant picked up his Thunder teammates, put them on his shoulders and carried them to a respectable one-point halftime road deficit..."

Wow, no shit? A one-point deficit? At halftime? On the road?? That's downright heroic. I know the final 6 minutes of the first half are where legends are made, but if it were me writing I'd save the "put the team on his shoulders" line for when they actually win. Or are at least winning. But I guess Darnell has an uncanny ability to see the positives. Maybe that's why he predicted this team would win 37 games this year. I am not making that up. 37 games. Maybe that's why he's also predicting the Thunder will beat Boston when they come to town next week. Yeah, I guess those 37 wins are gonna have to come from somewhere unexpected if you can't even make it competitive against Milwaukee. At home. On the "biggest night in OKC history".

But anywho, glancing at the boxscore I'm struck by the fact that the Thunder as a team were a combined 0-4 from 3-point range tonight. Wow. That's an area the front office might want to look into. If only the Thunder had a proven knock-down three point shooter with the purest stroke in basketball that could stretch the defense for Durant and um, you know, whoever else it is that scores for the Thunder. Someone like, oh I don't know, Ray Allen. Oh right. He's busy winning championships. And I forgot that the Thunder are a defensive-minded team all of a sudden and we all know Ray Allen is a defensive liability, which I guess is why Boston is so bad at defense now. But I'm not worried because Mike Baldwin says Jeff Green is the next Scottie Pippen. I guess I can't argue with the fact that he is probably the 2nd best player on a team with one really good player, which makes him Pippen. Just like Lamar Odom.

Fortunately, the Thunderworld has a pretty good idea for addressing some of these deficiencies, which is to trade Chris Wilcox for Danny Granger and Jarrett Jack. Sure, why the hell not. And then after that we could pick up Derrick Rose for Earl Watson and cash.

When Damien Wilkins is rocking the shooting sleeve, the trend is officially dead.

Happy Thunderween!

2008-11-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

So what did everyone dress up as this year? My costume was pretty much a no-brainer, because for every Halloween since 1985 I've dressed up as Sloth from The Goonies. I just break out my suspenders and it's a wrap. Easiest costume ever.

I took it easy this year and gave out candy to trick-or-treaters. We hand out two things to the kids at Casa de Bennett: Baby Ruths and nightmares.

A Thunder Curse?

2008-10-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

I heard about this website from today's Jenni Carlson video commentary, which is my primary source of news. I like to start my day by brewing a hot cup of Folgers, reciting the pledge of allegiance and seeing what Jenni Carlson has to say about hot dogs or thumbtacks or whatever happens to be on her mind. I swear to God that chick has nothing to do with herself. Here we are, in the middle of an economic meltdown, with newspapers becoming more obsolete by the second, and Jenni Carlson is using thousands of dollars worth of equipment to read her diary to nobody. Maybe my wife could save some cash by giving her a webcam and a youtube account.

But anyway, over 10,000 people have cursed the Thunder so far. I'm guessing it's the work of Seattleites and their hippie voodoo. Wikipedia shows that Seattle's religious makeup is split pretty evenly between Wiccan and Pagan. Okay fine, it doesn't, but that's only because I couldn't figure out how to use Wikipedia.

David Stern just loves the Kansas City Thunder.

2008-10-30T02:48:00.000-07:00

His holiness himself was on hand tonight for the Thunder's debut loss, and he had nothing but the highest praise for ~~Kansas City~~ Oklahoma City:

I admit it's pretty hard to keep track. I guess (O)KC's super-awesomeness just left an indelible impression on him. That or he's already laying the rhetorical groundwork for the next Ford Center remodel. God he's a genius.

Bend It Like Bennett is #1. AGAIN.

2008-10-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

After some five full days of voting, the results of LA Ball Talk's poll are in. The fans have spoken, and Bend It Like Bennett has once again been crowned the Best Thunder Blog on the internet.

I wish I could say I was surprised. BILB will be given a permanent link on LABallTalk.com so all those Kobe-jockers can come get a heavy dose of radiant truth on a daily basis. If you're wondering, Darnell Mayberry finished 7th of 8, two spots behind a blog that's posted precisely once since September 11th, and has evidently given up on life. We wish both of them the best of luck.

I'd like to take a moment to sincerely thank all the BILB fans that voted, and also shamelessly pander to all the consumers in Oklahoma City who heroically tax themselves to buy stadiums for billionaire charlatans like myself, from which they will see no profits. You're the true visionaries here. And don't worry, that $100 million upgrade to paint the bathrooms and add more space for corporate circle-jerks will never require more public financing.

And special thanks goes to the BILB supporter that beat some sense into this chubby white Blue Blitz fan. Good work.

Monday's Musings

2008-10-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

Since Mr. Monday has been granted unfettered access to BiLB without having every article/blog/opinion critiqued first by the Oklahoman management, Mr. Monday would like to take advantage of this opportunity and introduce a new weekly segment called ‘Monday’s Musing.’ Essentially, all you Okies now have unfiltered wisdom to take with you to the water-cooler. You’re welcome, squares.

Where o' Where is our Dunleavy Jr?
Larry Legend’s “professional imprisonment” of Jamaal ‘Dust-Pan’ Tinsley shows why he’s without question the greatest GM in NBA history. He continues to gut the once thuggish-ruggish Pacers, building a team of good role models and exceptional citizens. Larry has spat in the face of success, profits, and exciting basketball, demonstrating a commitment to jump-stops, proper pivoting, and the triple-threat, things only real Americans will appreciate. Mr. Presti, take notes.

How are Fat Girls like Mopeds?
They’re fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out…or your boss…or the media.

We Are Not the Same, I am a Martian
Apparently Cassell doesn’t need no practice or preseason to hobble around and collect championships. Don’t be salty Smiling Gabe.

Prescription Pills—God's Greatest Gift since Jesus
Throwing one of my 12 daughters under a moving vehicle always helps Mr. Monday sleep better too, Zeke.

Where’s my Shovel?
Bury the Rogue and let the betting begin. Deep pockets and an even shorter memory—Do not question the David.

Run n Gun Randolph
Why the Knicks would want to trade the Baby-Fat Assassin is beyond Mr. Monday. It seems like Randolph would be ideal for D’Antoni’s 7 sec or less offense.

Mr. Monday is an irreverent wit and anonymous foe to those he deems fit. When he's not busy annointing hippies "leafy-green" or "hybrid-driving, carpooling, mountain-climbers", he splits his time between the oklahoman and BiLB to keep those outside the truth filter in check. To read his oklahoman archive, pay a visit to blog.newsok.com/mrmonday, or refer here to his newest home in the blogosphere for the wry and the whimsical.

Merchandise!

2008-10-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone tryin' to spend $99 on a basketball that commemorates someone else's history? Now you can!

A generous offer from The David.

2008-10-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

Although it's been well documented by the Oklahoman that the Sonics never actually had any fans, there may be one or two eco-terrorists up in Seattle that are still pining for NBA basketball. Fortunately for them, The David understands:

"We understand the fans and their anger, frustration, depression."

He then immediately proceeded to show the extent of this understanding:

"You know, we have something over 900 games available on NBA League Pass, either on cable or satellite, and potentially broadband and NBA TV where we have four games a week," he said. "So there's a lot out there in terms of content and a lot of an ability to follow our league. If they are so inclined, then we certainly invite them and welcome them."

Oh, well then, problem solved. What a generous offer and entirely noble gesture. "Even though I orchestrated the heist of your 41-year franchise, I still welcome you to give me your money." I'm sure Sonics fans everywhere can't wait to take you up on that.

David Stern: like Gandhi, only better.

Congratulations to us: Again, anointed the OKC People's Champion.

Darnell 9000 still not programmed with self-awareness.

2008-10-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

DARNELL's latest.

"John Lucas stood below eye level of most all the reporters he spoke with Tuesday, appearing more like a ball boy than a Thunder ballplayer."

The key word in that sentence is "most".

No Contest

2008-10-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

Please do your patriotic duty today and go vote for Bend it Like Bennett for best Thunder Blog in LA Ball Talk's every-team poll. If this were a popularity contest we would win. Fortunately for the people, it’s a quality-of-blog contest in which our "competition" has already conceded. But apparently LA Ball Talk needs something to do, so let’s go ahead and indulge them. Here's how I described our blog:

"Bend It Like Bennett is the absolute gold standard for Thunder blogs, which is why Ball Don’t Lie’s Blog Association ranks us the number one Thunder blog on the web. The rest of the pack is in a heated seven-way tie for last.

Our fellow Thunderbloggers at Blue Blitz say BILB is “generally better, more popular, and more well-liked than our blog, Thunderworld, and ThunderGuru combined.” The Thunderworld calls us “The best Thunder blog - nay, best NBA - nay, best blog period on the Internet”. We are pleased, if not surprised, to have earned the respect and undying adoration of our colleagues.

We provide highly original content that goes above and beyond the busy work of amassing links to every Oklahoman article ever like some kind of paper shuffling mid-level corporate burnout—a task that could be done more effectively by a Google algorithm. We offer only the very best in insightful Thunder commentary, and will continue to delight our loyal readers until our business model is no longer profitable. We appreciate your blind support."

I think voters should have all available information at their disposal in order to make an informed decision. That's why I feel it's necessary to mention that Blue Blitz has known associations with terrorists of this nation and Thunderguru was raised in France by Islamofascist homosexual billionaires. The Thunderworld doesn’t own a lapel pin of any kind and wants to mandate gay marriages for kindergarteners. Those are the facts.

Or if you want to throw your vote away, go ahead and vote for Thunder Rumblings.

DEAL-BREAKING LEAKED MEMO:

The Thunder Way

2008-10-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you've heard lots of talk about the "Thunder Way". Our organization wants to win, but only if we win the Thunder Way. Winning any other way would be a complete waste of time. So what is the Thunder way? I have no earthly idea.

I know it involves Desmond Mason. I know it involves buzzwords like "character" and "hard work". Um, I know it involves dumping guys with character issues like devout Christian and small-town-everyman Luke Ridnour. And something about defense. I'm told Coach PJ preaches defense now. I guess defense-day must have been canceled for some reason last year in Seattle, because we gave up like 106.3 per game, but evidently this year he remembered. Great news.

After all, me and Presti come from the land of tough D and low ratings: San Antonio. This is great news for fans--we'll be like watching the slow-it-down, grind-it-out Spurs except without all the winning. We'll be like a cellar-dwelling, expansion San Antonio with ridiculous uniforms and no inside presence. Someone tell me why ESPN isn't televising all of our games.

But crafting a entirely new identity out of thin air is hard. Sometimes you've just got to go out there and steal some shit. Like your team, for instance. And now Warriors bloggers are all mad because we killed off their mascot (due to our "staggering lack of originality") and more or less ripped off their color scheme. Whatever. Get used to it. Here's my boy Berry Tramel on what should be on the front of our jerseys:

"I don't mind Oklahoma City, at least in the first few years of the franchise while the name gets established in the league. Eventually, OKC or, even better, "The City," would be fantastic."

What's up now Golden State? I'm telling you, originality is hard. Just ask the pride of the Oklahoman Jenni Carlson (yes, that Jenni Carlson):

Right. So maybe that's what happens when your entire culture is built upon trying to think up ways to rationalize theft, cronyism and extortion. It's the Thunder Way, bitches!

Expert's Take

2008-10-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

There is no good reason why Adam Morrison should not be on the Thunder.

Putting the "Con" in "Conspiracy"

2008-10-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

After reading and meticulously studying every line of the 133 page Pedowitz report, a few things are more clear to Mr. Monday than the heels found at Night Trips:

FACT: Rogue referee Tim Donaghy bet on about 14 games he personally officiated in the 2006-2007 season. He won these bets and made money off of the games but didn't alter his officiating based on his wagers and thus never harmed the integrity of the play on the court.

FACT: No other referees were involved and the outcomes of NBA games were never influenced by Rogue Donaghy or any other official.

FACT: NBA executives scrupulously examined the 17 games in question and found no foul play, leading the Pedowitz report to correctly conclude the same.

This leads Mr. Monday to one obvious conclusion: the NBA rightfully found in favor of itself. Once again David Stern is correct and all the guano crazy conspiracy theorists can finally die of their self-inflicted histoplasmosis. As we all know, issues like this are best kept and handled within the family. The Feds will always try to put their hands down every American’s son and/or daughter’s pants, but the NBA doesn’t put up with this type of perverted communist agenda.

“But Mr. Monday, what about the big-money gamblers who won 15 of 15 times on his games?’ and “What about the ten games refereed by Scott Foster where the big-money gamblers won a perfect 10 of 10 times?” Mr. Monday doesn’t believe in luck but he does believe in destiny. And destiny trumps coincidence every time. Look, when my Granny Agnus comes home from bingo with a new 1998 edition of the King James Bible does Mr. Monday suspect Granny had inside cohorts telling her which card to pick? No chance.

Just remember, you don’t have to be faster than the bear, just faster than the guy you’re with. Game, match, set the NBA.
Mr. Monday is an irreverent wit and anonymous foe to those he deems fit. When he's not busy annointing hippies "leafy-green" or "hybrid-driving, carpooling, mountain-climbers", he splits his time between the oklahoman and BiLB to keep those outside the truth filter in check. To read his oklahoman archive, pay a visit to blog.newsok.com/mrmonday, or refer here to his newest home in the blogosphere for the wry and the whimsical.

Create-a-Caption

2008-10-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

Go help the good folks at Ball Don't Lie think up a fitting caption for this image.

Suggested: "Hey Peej, maybe I'm not looking at you because your tie is like a fucking optical illusion."

Kevin Durant says have a great weekend.

2008-10-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Honoring the "Rain Man" and OKC's NBA history.

2008-10-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Thunderworld recently wrote a feature called “5 Burning Questions” about the upcoming season. The author, Royce, mentions the Thunder v. Blazers as one of five “can’t miss” games because, of course, they are our “interim rival”. He must be a BilB reader.

But that wasn’t the best part. Here’s burning question number five: “If I’m going to buy a jersey, who’s should I get?” His answer is a real kick in the balls:

“I've told friends I'm getting a custom Thunder Gary Payton #20 jersey or a Rain Man, Shawn Kemp #40 uni, but the price is pretty hefty. Maybe I could get a discount if I just got a Detlef Schrempf #11."

Wow, friend, just wow. The balls on this guy. I’m simply stunned by the sheer audacity and brilliance of that suggestion. I mean, this is an avenue of profit even I never considered (and I have no moral compass): jerseys of players who have zero relevance to your city and team, who actively worked against the team ever setting foot in your town, who spoke at rallies against your ownership group, who would vomit with rage at the sight of such a customized abomination, and who in all likelihood would instantly despise you should they ever see you wearing it. A walking, stitched-mesh oxymoron. Rocking that thing would be enough to cause real fans to fucking blow their brains out on sight. Or dive under riding lawn mowers. You’d be “The Happening” only in real life. You’d be a walking M. Night Shyamalan box office career-ender. I say go for it.

But why stop there? Why not just get a Thunder Kobe jersey? Or a Thunder Peyton Manning jersey? Or Gwen Stefani? Why not just customize the front to say Real Madrid and put “Ross Gellar from Friends” on the back? Why not go door-to-door through Seattle and personally dick-slap everyone you meet?

"Just one thing to make sure of: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a custom jersey with your name on the back. There is nothing worse than some fat guy sitting in Loud City with a No. 35 jersey with "Stravinski" strapped across the back of it. News flash: You don't play for the team. Kevin Durant does - so wear his jersey."

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Neither did Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, or Detlef Schrempf.

FOX NEWS TO-THE-MINUTE BREAKING MEGA-UPDATE: ~~Reign Man~~ Rain Man jerseys available now in the Thundershop! Bring your credit cards and poor judgment.

BILB: The And One Interview

2008-10-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

I recently sat down with Carolyn from And One for an exclusive, no-holds-barred, Palin-esque interview of epic proportions.

I'm not usually in the habit of granting access to news outlets my wife doesn't own, but I decided to make a rare exception in this case. And if you haven't checked out And One yet, it means you've spent your entire life safely protected from the harsh light of reality by the Oklahoman's truth-filter, and i applaud you for that.

This is the only NBA interview you will need to read today, and likely, ever.

Consummate Maverick on facebook.

2008-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

Note that I wasn't voted Mr. Congeniality of the PBC and have differed from members of my own ownership group when it comes to non-specific key issues, and as such, have authorized the preemptive use of eForce when it comes to building our coalition of the willing. I wasn't sure about the strategy/tactic, but I have to commend Clay for pioneering the Execublogger phenomena--- the surge is working. We've joined facebook and the fundamentals of our franchise have never been stronger. Now Thunder fans who have supported our storied franchise over the past 4 decades have a chance to join our eFamily through a medium never before seen. We look forward to your friendship.

Facepalm Of The Day

2008-10-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

This is the non-lamest thing I've ever seen. I might be inclined to write something about it, but sometimes you can't top the original. There's a reason Tina Fey quotes Sarah Palin verbatim. Go read that if you have a high tolerance for awesome.

Get over it John Hollinger!

2008-10-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

John Hollinger's Team Forecast for the Thunder is pretty bleak.

"The Oklahoma City Thunder. Ugh. Pardon me while I thwack myself in the head a few times."

He also preempted my weather-related pun, which I'm pretty peeved about. In addition to this dismal season preview, the Thunder is dead last in Marc Stein's Power Rankings. Could it be that ESPN is nothing more than a bunch of bitter Seattleites?

The question is, why does ESPN seem to think we won't be very good? Is it because we were a 20-62 team last year and didn't make any significant short-term improvements in the off-season? Is it because we have a gaping hole at center and no consistent outside shooting threat? C'mon guy, we picked up Desmond Mason. Does John Hollinger realize Desmond Mason is a hard-worker who plays the basketball the "right way"? Do they know he has a 40-megawatt smile and signs autographs for children?

I'll tell you what's going on here: Media Bias.

John Hollinger is as biased as they come. He invented something called the "Player Effeciency Rating" for analyzing statistical mumbo-jumbo and trying to look smart. Fans don't like number crunchers, JoHo--hold the phone--is he the same JoHo that hates America? I'm going with yes. So here we have an America-hating intellectual who bases analysis on statistical fact through some sort of scientific method of inquiry. In comparison, Darnell Mayberry would be a great person to have a beer with. Okay, maybe not Darnell, he has zero personality, but probably Berry Tramel. I think he was a wayward transient that wandered into the Oklahoman one day looking for a place to shower and realized he was just as informed as everyone else. So he's probably got some good stories.

I'm not the only one to notice this unfair treatment. Check out this roundtable at the Oklahoman (Sidenote: someone get Mike Sherman a dictionary):

What did I tell you, ESPN is only ranking the Thunder last because they're "mad" at them. Get over it already, John Hollinger!

So in conclusion:

Seattle fans and JoHo need to stop whining.
Media outlets like ESPN need to stop picking on Oklahoma City because it's NO FAIR.

Besides, we may lose a lot of games this season, but I promise you this: If we go down, we'll go down smurfing:

Smurf all over my smurfs.

2008-09-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Another day, another aesthetic triumph. The Thunder unveiled their new uniforms during Media Day yesterday to an overwhelmingly positive reception by the staff of the Oklahoman. I don't read any other news outlets, but I can only assume the rest of the nation was equally impressed. I know PJ Carlesimo was:

"Clay talked about respecting the heritage of the NBA by keeping it clean and classy. They did a good job."

Thanks PJ. If there's one job I do better than making logos, it's respecting the heritage of the NBA. I put a lot of deep, compassionate thinking into these uniforms; just listen to this peppy blonde chick interview the Oklahoman's resident style expert:

Did you hear that folks? That lady talked to a color expert, and the color expert told her that white is going to attract "a lot of attention." Holy shit I'm glad we thought of it then. Brace yourselves for a tidal wave of publicity, Thunder fans, white home unis have arrived.

Now on to the road unis. I think the offical name for the color is "Expansion Team Blue". She kinda lost me for a minute there because I'm no color expert myself, and the discussion becomes very dense and theoretical, but I'll try to break it down. Blue is 'dependable' like the sky, because the sky won't fall, even though sometimes times get tough, and also it's very loyal. That's so weird because whenever I think about this franchise, "stability" and "loyalty" are the two words I think of. But also blue is "powerful" like a bright blue Oklahoma sky with fluffy white nimbus clouds where some of them look like animals, and so you're feeling all loyal and stable and then suddenly you see the red-orange trim and you're energized. You're fuckin' psyched right now. Oh but wait, there's also yellow trim, so mostly you're just energized about how nice and friendly everyone is in Oklahoma City, and you're thinking about picnics and clouds and how much positive energy that blonde chick in the yellow shirt had, and yeah she stumbled over her words in the beginning but she seems totally cool and reminds you of that popular girl in high school who still talked to the ugly chicks, and maybe you guys could hang out sometime and talk color theory. Just take things slow. But then Kevin Durant fucking dunks on your head.

And so it was that Media Day finally answered the question on everyone's mind, which was apparently:

'What would happen if Papa Smurf banged Rainbow Brite?'

So you can all go home now, unless you want to stick around and listen to Darnell Mayberry ask Robert Swift what all of his tattoos mean. Probably a one-man job, though. Hey, everybody loved those teal Pistons jerseys right?

Get your "Rivalry Pack" today!

2008-09-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

Darnell Mayberry, The Oklahoman's diminutive NBA beat writer, alerted fans today of eight-game ticket packages on sale now. Among the packages is the coveted "Rivalry Pack":

The "Rivalry Pack” features games against Atlanta on Nov. 9; Cleveland on Dec. 21; Denver on Jan. 2; Utah on Jan. 14; Sacramento on Feb. 8; New Orleans on Feb. 17; San Antonio on March 16; and Portland on April 3.

Since the Thunder has never played any one of these basketball teams, I'm guessing by "rivalry" we're still referring to Portland. Many a Northwest basketball fan was dismayed by the fact that the revered "I-5 Rivalry" would be no more. Chin up, hippies! Evidently the rivalry lives on!

The Portland Trailblazers and Oklahoma City Thunder will continue to duke it out for Northwest* supremacy, but perhaps we need to give this series a new name. We could call it the "I-84 to I-80 to I-25 to I-70 to I-35" Rivalry. Or maybe the "Google Maps Cup". That has a nice ring to it.

There's nothing like artificial significance and manufactured history straight from the marketing department to energize the Thunder faithful. God I hate those Portlanders!

I'm sure most Thunder fans can't wait to make the quick 1,920 mile, 28 hour drive to Portland this year. It's tradition. But fans will have to be patient, because Portland won't host their bitter division foe until February 11. Weird how that worked out. And all you history buffs should refrain from wearing your Thunder throwbacks this year, because it's possible they're already doing that.

*Note: Many Pacific Northwesterners have complained that the NBA is taking away all their basketball teams (i.e. Seattle, Vancouver). This is wrong. The Great Northwest still has Portland, Utah, Denver, Minnesota and Oklahoma City.

Berry Tramel's Existential Crisis

2008-09-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

Berry Tramel is apparently in the throes of an existential meltdown after trekking into the belly of the beast, Seattle, for the OU-UW football game last weekend. From a recent post:

"1. This is one of the best cities in America. Great weather. Great scenery. Apparently great economy. Seemingly safe. Fun downtown. Lots to do.

2. How did the NBA ever get away from this city? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad the Sonics of Seattle became the Thunder of OKC, but with all this city has going for it, how did Seattle lose its NBA franchise and how did the NBA let it happen?"

First of all, slow your roll Berry Tramel. My wife doesn't pay you for your critical thinking. Get back on message. Stay the course. Gotta stay on offense and all that. Stick to the talking points. Seattle doesn't want the NBA, remember? Second, "let" it happen? The David all but demanded it. You know, because the Ford Center is so totally bad-ass or whatever.

Besides, as the lead sportswriter of Oklahoma's primary newspaper, and having written extensively on this issue yourself time and again, I'd wager you're in a better position than most to answer your own question. Here's a timeline from your own paper. Does the Oklahoman block Google? I know the PBC does. I don't tolerate slackers. Let me pull up some of your old quotes:

"So even though the Seattle saga has been unpleasant for the NBA in recent weeks and isn't likely to soon change, Stern did not waver. Oklahoma City had Stern on its side, and the most powerful commissioner in sport was not about to be bucked.Stern carved up Seattle with a silver scalpel. No arena for you, Seattle told Stern before and after Bennett bought the team. Drop dead, Stern said back."

"If the NFL can leave Greater Los Angeles, where's the calamity in the NBA leaving Seattle? The Seattle crowd likes to warn Oklahoma City that if Clay Bennett can put the screws to Seattle, he will do the same thing to his hometown. Maybe. Maybe not. Frankly, I'm not all that interested in a history lesson from a city that built a new palace for the Seahawks and a new palace for the Mariners and then wants to start lecturing other cities, warning them about the dangers of giving into disgruntled franchise owners."

“Truth is, most Seattle residents, particularly in the downtown area where most Sooner fans spent the last day or two, are only marginally aware that Seattle once had, and then lost, an NBA franchise, much less where it went.”

"He would stand at KeyArena and cheer a Hersey Hawkins 3-pointer or scream at the refs, and many a Sonic fan looked at him like he was crazy, because fervor is the exception in Seattle. "Most people go to just sit there, even in the glory days,” Francisco said. "I was looked at like I was crazy."

That's more like it. That's the kind of petty, gratuitous fluff I'm looking for. If you ask me, I think you've spent a little too much time on the left coast. Those loony liberal media elites are trying to fool you with their big-city trickery. You know, partisan hacks like Henry Abbott:

"I'm for respecting the people involved, even if you can get away with hurting them. That's character.
Instead we have something that's something like the worst marriage ever, back in the days before women had rights at all. Both partners play key roles, but one can lie, cheat, hit, and all the rest of it, while the other can only be stoic.
In that dreadfully over-dire analogy (apologies), Tramel is arguing that husbands beat their wives all the time, and there's no need to feel bad about that."

Don't go soft on me Berry. Get back to basics. Stick to the script.

Greenzone Model for Winning

2008-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

If you're familiar with our ownership group, then you've no doubt been captivated by our commitment to excellence and winning. Reflecting upon the overwhelming success of the recent troop surge, we decided to implement the Paul Bremer Greenzone Model for Winning in hiring our own execs. First up, our new Entertainment Coordinator.

Not only did he help the Odessa Jackalopes to a single successful off-season of in-game entertainment but he also brings a diverse tribal Polynesian perspective to the organization. We anticipate this quick learner (an undergrad less than 5 months ago) to hit the ground running and we're comfortable his brand of entertainment is consistent with where the NBA's is trending. In addition, this kid is a born winner. Hey Nick Collison, stop crying about "uprooting families" or whatever and sponge this shit:

This is the type of winning attitude required when entering your first year in the league. Now bite your tongue. Bite iiit.

Bend It Like Bennett is #1.

2008-09-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

Ball Don't Lie's Blog Association has anointed Bend It Like Bennett the best OKC Thunder blog on the net.

And who could blame them. Congratulations to me.

The Clayton Bennett Guide to Success

2008-09-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Here in OKC, we’re not just building a team, we’re building a culture. A culture built on integrity, character, family values, traditional marriage, protecting the unborn, restructuring corporate tax codes, and professionalism. And winning. Part of achieving success on and off the court is maintaining a sharp outward appearance but not, like, in the metrosexual way. It’s often said that one should dress for the job they want, not the job they have. That’s why people would take one look at me and know I was destined to become a ~~P.E. teacher~~, ~~Army recruiter~~, NBA owner.

People wanting to achieve success in life need only follow my personal grooming standards, put forth in this handy diagram:

Simply set your clippers to zero, place them just above the ear at anywhere between 30 and 45 degrees, depending on how bulbous your head is, and etch a harsh, drastic line into your temple. Remove all hair below this line.

David Stern's dress code may indeed be visionary, but doesn't go far enough for my taste. Just look at these before and after shots showing how the Clay Bennett method can either enhance or completely transform your image:

Stability.

2008-09-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Fantastic analysis as usual from NBA expert and 80's mustache holdout Mike Baldwin of the Oklahoman:

Indeed, it's incredibly difficult to run a successful franchise when your definition of success is failure. Harder still is creating "stability" when the cause of this instability is your own publicly stated intention to move the franchise. Clearly there is only one remedy for this, and that's to move the franchise.

But now, as Baldwin notes, we finally "know where we're gonna practice". That would be Southern Nazerene University, a temporary facility our players can use while we renovate the Performance Sports Center, which is itself a temporary facility that we'll occupy while we're building a taxpayer-funded $21 million practice facility in an as-yet-to-be-determined location that should be ready in 18-24 months. Finally, stability.

Not knowing where we were practicing was one of our biggest problems in Seattle, although it would usually end up being in our team's practice facility. And by "usually", I mean "always".

OKC residents have kids who'll probably like the team.

2008-09-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

Because that's what it's really all about. The kids. Some of them, anyway. But kids are more than just great public relations props, they're also future consumers. I think sometimes we forget that.

To wit, check out the groundswell of support from local residents after the big NBA BOG vote:

“Yeah, but we need it too”. Wow, can I get this slogan printed on my stationary? Hmm, Oklahoma City Blazers. I like it. Although I suppose it's taken by the current primary resident of the Ford Center, not to mention our former NBA rival in Portland. I'll let the legal department worry about that. We could be like the Trail-of-Tears-Blazers. Do you think there’s any way I could buy the entire Northwest divison?

Is it me, or did I see that blonde woman at the Republican National Convention with the "Peace Through Strength" sign?

Is OKC the next Phoenix, Boston, or LA?

2008-09-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Oklahoma sports media demi-god Berry Tramel turned heads today with a brazen assertion in his latest piece. The crotchety mainstay of the NewsOK sportsdesk boasted:

"Here's who Oklahoma City is so far. The next Phoenix. And since we're name-dropping, toss in Los Angeles and Boston, too."

Hmm, the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Phoenix Suns and Oklahoma City Thunder… one of these teams doesn’t seem to fit in... Oh right, Phoenix, the only one of these franchises to have never won an NBA title. I won mine this summer in Seattle Federal Court.

Don't worry, Suns fans. Someday you'll get over the hump, and only then will you know the pride and fulfillment that I feel everyday.

PJ Carlesimo Lever.

2008-09-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Some interesting NBA All-Access video with Thunder Coach PJ Carlesimo. If you're an OKC season ticket holder who has no idea who that is, get caught up here.

That's a leader of men, folks. Poignant stuff, indeed. Hard to be sure, but I think this video is either A) PJC giving the Thunder a pep talk about their new sunset blue unis, B) PJC giving his young squad a valuable lesson in tolerance, or C) Something the Thunder will play on the Jumbotron to salvo the crowd during the fourth quarter of another drubbing. The crowd will think, “Hey, our team may have given up 129 points tonight, but I bet we believe in Jesus the most, and that’s makes us the true winners.” 82-win season baby!

People love me. (updated x 2)

2008-09-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was my electrifying performance at the logo unveiling, or maybe it was the way I cut my sideburns extra negative today. Whatever the reason, people love me:

Ball Don't Lie: "Upside and Motor is right, and Rebecca Lobo agrees: Whoever is in charge of photoshoppin' duties at this new Oklahoma City blog — Bend It Like Bennett — is at least as good, if not better than whoever designed the real Thunder logo.
Hardwood Paroxysm: "I don't know what's the most awesome: the name, the writing, or the photoshop work. Add to RSS Readers, immediately, hordes."
Deadspin!
Supersonicsoul: "I hope the OKC fans embrace this brilliant "web 2.0" peek into their new franchise...Best wishes to them, and their sharp-witted, irony-proof citizenry."
And One: "This is brilliant...Unless, of course, they're serious, in which case all is lost."
Upside and Motor: "Another big-time blog for OKC. The name is ridiculously great, and whoever is photoshopping over there is at least as good, if not better than whoever designed the real Thunder logo."
World Hoops Blog: "Greatest name for a blog, ever. Peep Friday's post going Lampoon on the new OKC logo. Me likes lots."
Red's Army
Oklahoma City BBall: " I wonder if this guy is even from OKC. Seems just like a covert Seattle fan. But regardless, they can eat it."
NBA Fanhouse: "Every team needs a snarky, pessimistic blog to offer dystopic viewpoints about ... well, everything. The Thunder can fill in this bubble now."
Sports Illustrated

True to form, Darnell Mayberry has yet to comment.

Logo Reaction!

2008-09-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Reaction from the interwebs...

Not WNBA

2008-09-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Our logo seems to look a lot like that of the WNBA's New York Liberty...

Down to the exact curvature of the triangle. Is that weird?

Introducing the Thunder OKC!

2008-09-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we revealed our name, logo and colors to the handful of people without internet access and Damien Wilkins.

The logo is the result of a three month design-by-committee expedition to the outer limits of Microsoft Paint. We were somehow able to seamlessly unite the imagery of 'Thunder' with the color scheme of an "Oklahoma Sunset", the Oklahoma state flag, and clown shoes. Then we put a basketball in a triangle. And added two random lines to lower wind resistance, which I feel is pretty sharp. Finally, we added "Thunder" above this amalgam of half-formed thoughts and changed the font to what appears to be Mekanik LET Plain. First Prize.

Basically the name, color scheme and logo combine to create a unique fan experience: first you're indimidated, then reassured, then confused, then bored, then bewildered and finally indifferent. Needless to say, it flew off the shelves.

Best fans ever.

2008-09-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

David Stern has found his ideal fan base in OKC.

Darnell Mayberry on Team USA

2008-09-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

From his blog:

"I’ve wanted to weigh in on the Dream Team vs. Redeem Team argument since Sunday but honestly don’t have much thought-provoking analysis to contribute."

Everybody respects us now.

2008-08-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

"And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster..."Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent 'service charge'!"

"It's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir."

NBA puts OKC on the map.

2008-08-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

We're the new North Haverbrook.

PJ Carlesimo True Facts

2008-08-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

OKC is poised to move up the Western Conference standings with career winner PJ Carlesimo at the helm. Carlesimo recently stated in a radio interview that moving to Oklahoma City was "the best thing that's ever happenend to our basketball franchise and basketball team". This level of basketball IQ has guided Carlesimo to an NBA career winning percentage of .417 and zero career playoff series victories. More true facts about PJ Carlesimo:

PJ Carlesimo was once dealt a Royal Flush and lost $182,000.
PJ Carlesimo led the Portland Trailblazers to three straight first round losses from 1994-1997.
The cheif export of PJ Carlesimo is losing.
PJ Carlesimo's semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
PJ Carlesimo sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
The chief import of PJ Carlesimo is cock.
PJ Carlesimo was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
In order to shed payroll, increase fan apathy and ensure high future draft picks, the Sonics got rid of Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis and hired PJ Carlesimo.
PJ Carlesimo once told one of his players to "put a little mustard" on his passes. The player threatened to kill him and dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds before his teammates pulled him off his coach. He returned about 20 minutes later and landed a glancing blow at Carlesimo before being dragged away again. He said that if his teammates did not stop him he would have seriously injured, and possibly killed Carlesimo. The team went on to finish the season 19-63.
PJ Carlesimo's tears single-handedly raised Seattle's annual rainfall by 17 inches.
When PJ Carlesimo pays taxes he sends in blank forms with only a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike. He is subsequently forced to pay 73% of earned income and 100% of capital gains to the IRS.
PJ Carlesimo went on Jeopardy and answered every question "Who is PJ Carlesimo?" Alex Trebek dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds. He then lost his life savings.
PJ Carlesimo began coaching after Ja Rule ended his rap career.

Darnell Mayberry attacked!

2008-08-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Darnell Mayberry, the Oklahoman's mild-mannered NBA beat writer, has been viciously maligned by one of the internet's many gutless punks, NBA blogger Bethlehem Shoals. From his recent post titled, "Oklahoma City's NBA Reporting = FAIL":

"I will never cease to be amused by the tone of The Oklahoman's NBA coverage. It really reads like it was either spit out by a soft-spoken HAL, or done with a Microsoft template, or by one of those college seniors sent over to hang out in the Green Zone to help draw up the Iraqi constitution."

Bethlehem sounds like a Chritstian name, but his blog is virtually incomprehensible and most likely about witchcraft. He continues:

"Remember, always stay polite, avoid either upbeat speculation, which scares people, or stark realism, which sucks. I don't doubt that Presti's doing something, but until local reporting figures out how to discuss the game, I've got no choice but to think he spends his days eating goldfish and playing Connect 4 while sitting on a stack of every other team's media guides."

Darnell issued this response:

Oklahoma City: a Sonics tradition

2008-08-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Many people tell me that I've destroyed a rich Sonic tradition in Seattle. But these people don't realize that OKC has its own Sonic tradition; only instead of excelling in the basketball arena we've excelled in the competitive arenas of overconsumption of highly processed non-foods and clinical obesity. Men's Fitness ranks OKC Eighth in its list of America's Fattest Cities, and we're consistently distinguished as the "Fast Food Capital of America" by Fortune Magazine.

But the fact that we received the grade of "F" in both the "Overweight/Sedentary" and "Motivation" category does not detract from our dedication to athletics. To the contrary, the measure of a basketball fan is not how much they play but how much they watch. And consume concessions. And perhaps purchase WNBA-sleeved replica jerseys.

So when Men's Fitness says "Basketball courts are practically nonexistent here, among the fewest per capita in our survey. There's just one court here for every 11,950 residents", I would remind them that having the desire or physical capacity to actually play basketball has no relevance on one's level of fanhood. The measure of a fan is ultimately a function of revenue dollars that fan creates for me, Clay Bennett, by purchasing tickets, concessions and merchandise. So go take some more pics of shirtless guys for your gay-ass magazine, Men's Fitness.

Tulsa paves the way for NBA franchise

2008-08-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Oklahoman announced that Tulsa will host the Oklahoma City Thunder's first preseason game on October 13, showcasing itself as a major-league city deserving of its own NBA franchise. If the game is a sellout as expected, some NBA owner will have no choice but to move his struggling franchise to Tulsa as this will be the only prudent business decision. There will be no miracles for that team.

Oh shit is it too late to change my mind on Thunder??

2008-07-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Criss Angel was once in our shoes. He needed a name for his new show that reflected how hip, edgy and major-league he was. That name was "Mindfreak", and it was a homerun. And because Criss Angel has both a Jesus complex and a penchant for mascara/crying, he can simultaneously appeal to OKC's conservative Christian core and their disaffected emo children. He's a marketing savant. In the 90's Toronto was wise enough to latch itself to the Jurassic Park hysteria, so perhaps OKC should do the same with today's cultural phenomenon: Mindfreak.

This name could work because 1) like Wind, Energy and Thunder it is singular, and 2) it comes ready with it's own theme music. Plus it is instantly the most intimidating name in the NBA, or for that matter, all of sports. Introducing your Oklahoma City MINDFREAK! Are you ready?

OMGROTFLMFAOPWN3D

2008-07-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Because OKC is known for its thunder.

2008-07-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Whenever I tell people I'm from OKC, I always get the same question: "So, Oklahoma City, huh? Oklahoma? Hmmm. Neat. That's uh, that's great. So...how's the uh, how's the weather this time of year?" Exactly. People are just entranced by our world famous cloud patterns and shit. So it's a perfect fit for a name. And unfortunately, "Professional Basketball Club" was already taken.

Choosing a name based on theme music.

2008-07-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

Since the PBC announced our relocation from Seattle to OKC, Oklahomans have been dying to know what the team's theme music will be. For weeks, rumors have been swirling over which song will most likely be played during intros, timeouts, halftime and even post-game and also that time right before and after a commercial break. That is a very important time. The blogosphere has been abuzz with speculation, and recent news the team would be rebranded the "Thunder" launched Oklahoma into a fever pitch:

"AC/DC's "Thunderstruck"? Garth Brooks with "Thunder Rolls"? It's easy to picture the loud pre-game theatrical possibilities at the Ford Center this fall if a report from KOCO's Mark Rodgers is correct."-Adam Knapp, About.com

"Garth Brooks' "The Thunder Rolls” as pre-game music, or better yet, as a victory chorus, like "New York, New York” at Yankee Stadium."-Berry Tramel, The Oklahoman

"1) Thunder — There is one reason and one reason only this name is at the top of my list - AC/DC. I’m no AC/DC fan and am not familiar with much of their work. But can you imagine [Thunderstruck] being played each night before the Oklahoma City Thunder starting lineup is introduced?"-Darnell Mayberry, The Oklahoman

"AC/DC's hit song "Thunderstruck” could boom over the Ford Center's PA system just before the team's starting lineup is introduced and immediately after the final buzzer of a home win."Darnell Mayberry (again), The Oklahoman

"Then I realized that by naming their team the "Thunder", Clay Bennett was going for an all-out barrage of AC/DC at home basketball games. ("Thunderstruck", obv.) Which I totally back."Will Brinson, NBA Fanhouse

"This makes a little more sense, especilly because reports are suggesting that AC/DC will be played during the home games. Thunderstruck will most definitely be used as an intro."Binary Gangster of the BinaryGangster.com

This is to say nothing of the wildfire of speculation currently raging across message boards from coast to coast. A sampling:

Jason251213: "Will they play AC/DC "Thunderstruck" when team comes out?"

ADogBTown: "Yes, you know they are going to play the crap out of ACDC's 'Thunderstruck.'" Indeed.

OKC will be playing the shit out of Thunderstruck from now until forever, but luckily that guitar riff will never get old.... Huh. I guess I was actually thinking of 'Hells Bells'. This one's good too though.