Monday, January 19, 2009

Desmond Mason is Fancy Pants


The Oklahoman's Jenni Carlson has outed OKC fan favorite Desmond Mason as a "fancy pants" Starbucks-loving latte-sipper. From her stunning expose:
JC: So, what’s in the Starbucks cup? Do you do coffee, or are you fancy pants?

DM: "I’m fancy. I go with the seasons, so I’ll probably be drinking a gingerbread latte into January or February. Ginger snap, since they changed the name on it..."

...And besides that, I’m four pumps, light whip, one shot single, extra hot."
Ho-ly Christ, that just sent a chill down my spine. There is no doubt Desmond was wearing a scarf when he said that.

There is only one heterosexually-safe way to make coffee, and here it is. Take a tin can of Folgers Crystals that is at least old enough to no longer have the label attached. Looking at the happy couple drinking coffee on the label is like peering through a window to your own gayness. It should be found in the garage between a rifle and hatchet. Mix 2 parts coffee and one part gravel. Boil water from the hose or ideally a river over a burning tire. Put some dirt-coffee mix into a sports-related mug from no later than 1992 and pour in water once it becomes scalding. Stir it with with the first thing at arm's length. If you want cream or sugar, do yourself a favor and keep your goddamn mouth shut. Take a hearty swig, spit it on the ground and say "this coffee tastes like shit." This is not open for discussion.

BILB will keep Desmond in our prayers.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

This post was not funny.

Welcome Back Carter said...

Hit a little too close to home, Anonymous?

Anonymous said...

oh shit, shots at mason AND jc? off limits... prepare yourselves for a steady flow of Oklahatred.

LeBeav said...

Desmond Mason is quite the foppish dandy. Kendall Gill's episode of Cribs is less gay than this Okie.

Anonymous said...

Obviously this sissy coffee fetish is something that he picked up in the land of fairies and sissy coffee. He'll be alright now that he's back in the real world.

"When in Rome, do as the Romans"

Slade the plastic blade said...

How funny that a male from "the gay capital of the U.S." is calling someone else a fancy pants.

Takes one to know one.

Anonymous said...

It's Oklahoma, can't you get a shot of gravy or cheese whiz in your coffee?

Dangit Clay, you forgot "Enjoy with 7-11 burrito you heated on the dashboard with the defrost vent..."

Anonymous said...

Seven Eleven coffee and a corn dog's good enough for the average Okie.

Anonymous said...

The Blunder is cursed

Anonymous said...

Seattle is cursed

Anonymous said...

Storm sign 10-year deal to stay put in Seattle

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced the city and the WNBA Seattle Storm have completed negotiations to keep KeyArena as the Storm's home court for the next 10 years.

Anonymous said...

Hooray for you, estrogen on the hardwood

Mr Baker said...

Well, I have been drinkin coffee all wrong, thanks.
I thought you went into you kitchen and push cans of pork and bean to the side to get a bag of whole bean coffee the checker accidently put in your bag, and two yearl later you are too fucking cheap to throw out something you have no intention of ever drinking, anyway, you were sent into the kitchen because the dude from across the street came over with a pint and his ex-wife, they are already drunk, and will not leave without some coffee so they don't fall asleep while driving to Tulsa to go see PBR, but the jokes on them because everybody knows the rodeo is not tonight, but they say a commercial on a video tape of the rodeo from last year, you keep telling them and they keep arguing, the dude's ex is spitting when she talks and all you can think is that the dude calls her "that bitch" behind her back, but you fight the urge cause you don't talk like that, you think she might swipe something so you do not leave to the 7-11 to buy coffee, you remember the bag in the kitchen, thenkfully you have a hammer/coffee grinder and slightly used Jack in the Box napkin/coffee filter, the microwave can't heat water fast enough, so you start yelling for it to hurry up goddamnitt! You slosh a cup of of water over the coffee in the funnel, slitly burning your hand, whatever, sure they may kill themselves drinking and driving, but that's a risk you are willing for them to make. You walk back into the living/bedroom/porch are and there they are kissing in a way that makes you want to throwup, so you do, extending the cup of coffee to the dude while retching, and he says, "you got any sugar".
"Get the fuck out before I hit you with my coffee grinder, keep the cup, they can bury you with it".

But I could be wrong.

Anonymous said...

....yeah

Anonymous said...

Ooohh no you didn't claymate. Everybody in Oklahoma just got served. I mean D-Mase likes to drink fru-fru Seattle-based coffee, and see he plays for the Thunder, and um... he's a guy, and um... this totally makes Clay Bennett look like a douche, um... because he bought the team from the owner of Starbucks, and um... if that dumbass owner wouldn't have sold the team, um... maybe D-Mase would be yucking it up with all of the upitty Starbucks drinkers in Seattle... so uhh, take that damn Okies

Dale Ellis said...

That last paragraph should be indexed into the Library of Congress. A+++++++++++++++++++

Jakae said...

so because he likes good coffee he enjoys cocks in him? wow with that logic i better stay the fck out of OK

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to follow the logic of the heterosexist joke, but it seems like you are also equating gay with fancy, and heterosexuality with a crappy expired bag of folgers crystals. This makes it difficult to know what you intend to be denigrating, exactly.
That said, I would like to think Desmond would try and support independent coffee shops and be a decent human being. But maybe such things don't exist in Oklahoma City... I imagine they do, though.

Eric said...

These kinds of scoops are why this blog is awesome. Other than some talented young players, this is probably the best thing going for the Thunder.

- Trail Blazer fan

ralphredimix said...

Steal a team from the coffee capitol of the world and then complain they have culture?

Very good'ol boy

Anonymous said...

"so because he likes good coffee he enjoys cocks in him? wow with that logic i better stay the fck out of OK"

Apparently it's difficult to comprehend that this 'logic' came from Seattle's own BILB, not Oklahoma.

Another example of that famous Seattle education.......

Anonymous said...

Maybe claymate should stick to what he's good at: Whacking off to Photoshop pictures of Russell Westbrook in a Sonics jersey. (Seriously, you know he's made them, and you definately know he does it.)

MONTANA said...

Dmase was quite upset and felt betrayed when he was a "throw-in"
in the deal where he was demanded by the bucks whereby an aging Gary Payton was traded for an in prime Ray Allen. He was promised to be the future with Rashard Lewis to the sonics, much like Green is with Durant. He didn't turn into a superstar but he is a good 6th or 7th player at an NBA level. I don't hate Desmond at all. He finally learned like all naive kids do. That this is a business.
Durant will have to bolt asap. He's under a huge contract with Nike and no way do they let him stay in OKC, not that he'd want to.
Clay tries to put a false spin on it, but the team will suck forever until it is either sold or folds.

Anonymous said...

damn, royce, relax. "got served", "whacking off", "douche"- whoever said reading your blog was like stealing a glimpse into the daily diary of a dramatic 12 year old girl was ahead of his/her time. if your problems with claymate persist, voice them on your slam-book/link page.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it appropriate that Royce and Joe are moving on up with their new ESPN affiliated blog while this site languishes like piss on a Key arena bathroom floor...

The Mitten said...

Clearly, there is no correlation between the pants you wear and the coffee you drink. It’s science. Fuck off, Clay.

Welcome Back Carter said...

Anonymous compared this blog to "piss on a Key arena [sic] bathroom floor."

As BILB is consistently rated the #1 Thunder blog, what's that say about OKC fans? Lap it up, baby!

Anonymous said...

"Isn't it appropriate that Royce and Joe are moving on up with their new ESPN affiliated blog while this site languishes like piss on a Key arena bathroom floor..."

Then why does this site get more hits than Royce's crap fest?

Anonymous said...

yea i'm shocked ESPN hasn't picked up this blog yet. it seems right up their alley (with their Disney affiliations) especially this post.

Okies must love Chris 'i'm a huge douche' Berman and voting on Title Town USA. Stu Scott is so buck (not that Okies would get that joke cause they don't watch the games).

Consume on!

bonesbarry said...

To borrow from Simmons (and to give a little perspective), here's a Winston Wolf update for the Anonymous readers of this blog:

* Last year the Sonics won their 9th game of the year in the 30th team game (vs. 43rd team game this year for Durant's Future Former Team).

* At about this point last year the Supes reeled off 6 wins out of 10 games.

Anonymous said...

WOW REALLY? OMG! Wait, wait finish the story! How did those pesky Supersonics finish in the end? Did they make the playoffs? Did they end up with the first Draft pick? Please tell me at least they at least come out financially stable! I just can't wait to find out!

Anonymous said...

you guys are so ignorant - it's a joke.

Anonymous said...

I think its funny when the OKC crowd tries to use education as a knock on Seattle. You do realize that Seattle (and the State of WA) finishes in the top 5 in almost every measurable statistic regarding education. Overall, it is considered the most affluent city in the US.

Anonymous said...

What I think is funny is that the pompous Seattle crowd talks about education and their affluence, but yet when Howard Shultz was looking for a buyer of the team he had to resort with the Oklahoman. Where was the money that you all gloat about, what part of your gaudy education didn't show you that Bennett might move the team if the team continued to hemorrhage money. Go ahead, trash Clay Bennett all you want, but you all know just as much as everyone else, that when the Sonics needed Seattle the most- you all turned your backs on them... and we didn't. You all might have more money and a better average income, but at least we have a speck of class and down here that's more important.

Anonymous said...

Speck of class? A wealth of ignorance is more like it.

First and foremost there were locals interested in buying the team. They weren't interested in paying $90 million more than the team was worth.

Second, Schultz is a transplanted New Yorker who came to this city in the eighties. His roots do not run very deep.

Hemmerraghing money? Bruce Ratner loses more money a year on the New Jersey Nets than the Sonics ever did. I guess it depends what one's wiling to put up with.

Finally did Clay Bennett ask for a $500 million dollar arena from the good citizens of OKC? No he didn't. I think that tells you how sincere he was about keeping the team in Seattle.

Montana said...

Kudos for that last comment.

Anonymous said...

The Ford Center is about the most generic, unimaginative, unmemorable arena I've been in; and I've been to the Target Center.

If the Key is a 3, the Ford is maybe a 4.5 and only because it isn't all that old (although it feels like something from the mid 80s).

That probably gives OKC about 4 to 6 years before Bennett demands a 500 mil "remodel."