"And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster..."Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent 'service charge'!"
"It's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir."
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
OKC is poised to move up the Western Conference standings with career winner PJ Carlesimo at the helm. Carlesimo recently stated in a radio interview that moving to Oklahoma City was "the best thing that's ever happenend to our basketball franchise and basketball team". This level of basketball IQ has guided Carlesimo to an NBA career winning percentage of .417 and zero career playoff series victories. More true facts about PJ Carlesimo:
- PJ Carlesimo was once dealt a Royal Flush and lost $182,000.
- PJ Carlesimo led the Portland Trailblazers to three straight first round losses from 1994-1997.
- The cheif export of PJ Carlesimo is losing.
- PJ Carlesimo's semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
- PJ Carlesimo sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
- The chief import of PJ Carlesimo is cock.
- PJ Carlesimo was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
- In order to shed payroll, increase fan apathy and ensure high future draft picks, the Sonics got rid of Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis and hired PJ Carlesimo.
- PJ Carlesimo once told one of his players to "put a little mustard" on his passes. The player threatened to kill him and dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds before his teammates pulled him off his coach. He returned about 20 minutes later and landed a glancing blow at Carlesimo before being dragged away again. He said that if his teammates did not stop him he would have seriously injured, and possibly killed Carlesimo. The team went on to finish the season 19-63.
- PJ Carlesimo's tears single-handedly raised Seattle's annual rainfall by 17 inches.
- When PJ Carlesimo pays taxes he sends in blank forms with only a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike. He is subsequently forced to pay 73% of earned income and 100% of capital gains to the IRS.
- PJ Carlesimo went on Jeopardy and answered every question "Who is PJ Carlesimo?" Alex Trebek dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds. He then lost his life savings.
- PJ Carlesimo began coaching after Ja Rule ended his rap career.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
"I will never cease to be amused by the tone of The Oklahoman's NBA coverage. It really reads like it was either spit out by a soft-spoken HAL, or done with a Microsoft template, or by one of those college seniors sent over to hang out in the Green Zone to help draw up the Iraqi constitution."
"Remember, always stay polite, avoid either upbeat speculation, which scares people, or stark realism, which sucks. I don't doubt that Presti's doing something, but until local reporting figures out how to discuss the game, I've got no choice but to think he spends his days eating goldfish and playing Connect 4 while sitting on a stack of every other team's media guides."
Darnell issued this response:
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Many people tell me that I've destroyed a rich Sonic tradition in Seattle. But these people don't realize that OKC has its own Sonic tradition; only instead of excelling in the basketball arena we've excelled in the competitive arenas of overconsumption of highly processed non-foods and clinical obesity. Men's Fitness ranks OKC Eighth in its list of America's Fattest Cities, and we're consistently distinguished as the "Fast Food Capital of America" by Fortune Magazine.
But the fact that we received the grade of "F" in both the "Overweight/Sedentary" and "Motivation" category does not detract from our dedication to athletics. To the contrary, the measure of a basketball fan is not how much they play but how much they watch. And consume concessions. And perhaps purchase WNBA-sleeved replica jerseys.
So when Men's Fitness says "Basketball courts are practically nonexistent here, among the fewest per capita in our survey. There's just one court here for every 11,950 residents", I would remind them that having the desire or physical capacity to actually play basketball has no relevance on one's level of fanhood. The measure of a fan is ultimately a function of revenue dollars that fan creates for me, Clay Bennett, by purchasing tickets, concessions and merchandise. So go take some more pics of shirtless guys for your gay-ass magazine, Men's Fitness.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Oklahoman announced that Tulsa will host the Oklahoma City Thunder's first preseason game on October 13, showcasing itself as a major-league city deserving of its own NBA franchise. If the game is a sellout as expected, some NBA owner will have no choice but to move his struggling franchise to Tulsa as this will be the only prudent business decision. There will be no miracles for that team.