SOS

It has come to our attention that SonicsCentral.com is commanding its legion of unwashed urban farmers to call their local representatives in support of Bill 6116. Be warned, Thunder fans.

Also, if you are a Seattleite, I would humbly suggest that you not do this, because then I might have to pay $30 million to the City of Seattle, and I would hate that. I've got mouths to feed.

However, do continue to stay glued to your TVs for the thrilling, 2-month long conclusion to the NBA season. Anything can happen and you don't want to miss it. Where will amazing happen this year? Will the NBA continue to care about things? Is basketball just a game? Or sometimes, is it more? Much more? Who will face off in the Finals? Will it be the Cavs and the Lakers? Yeah probably.

Post-racial humor

The one good thing about Obama being President is that racism is now a thing of the past. As such, I am now free to share my unique brand of racially charged humor with the world without fear of repercussion. So if I ever have any wry observations about Pakistanis or anorexic black teenagers I no longer have to bite my tongue. Then my son can go ahead and post them on his Facebook page for the world to enjoy:


Hahaha no but seriously those chicks were broke.

UPDATE:

• Daulerio finds photographic confirmation @ Deadspin.
• Ziller via The Sporting Blog: "Clay Bennett thinks your cheerleaders look absolutely hilarious"
• SPORTS by BROOKS: "Claycism"
• Supersonicsoul: "Whoops"
  
• Damon Agnos, Seattle Weekly: "Clay Bennett Gets His Don Imus On"
• David Goldstein via HorsesAss.Org: "Feet of Clay: Insert Directly in Mouth"
• Via cantstopthebleeding.com's Racism Corner
  

Endless Regimes We Can Believe In

Here's something weird: the US is now lead by a young-ish black guy who plays basketball and listens to Jay-Z, while the NBA, who's relevant personnel is 85% black, is run by a 90-year old white dinosaur who has only ever touched a basketball for photo-ops.

The David's 25th anniversary as commissioner has unleashed an outpouring of praise and superlatives from the sports media establishment. Seeking opinions on Stern's reign, ESPN went out and got some soundbites from non-biased individuals like an NBA team president and two NBA team owners (note: they think he's great). They balanced the coverage with a selected quote from the NBA's 2-time MVP Steve Nash who did not disagree in polite company. So now that we've heard from all sides I guess that settles it. Oh and also Mike Breen and Mark Jackson think he's the second coming. And Jeremy Schaap wants him to be a US Senator, which is pretty incredible when you think about it. But anyway ESPN climaxed with a softly-lit puff-piece "interview" with Stern (on the sidebar) that was not at all cringe-inducing. David Stern does not at all resemble Gollum from the 1977 animated version of The Hobbit and his smile is 100% natural for an invertebrate with translucent skin. Also, his teeth are not the color of creamed corn.


So while America celebrates hope and change we must simultaneously endure ESPN masturbating to stasis and entrenched power and the glory of the status quo. And better yet, acting like everyone agrees with them. I liked in that clip when they showed Stern hugging Paul Pierce after the 2008 Finals. And yet somehow they forgot to show this moment, which happed seconds earlier. Did he just say "champeen"? Yes.


And then there's J.A. Adande coming to Stern's aide about that dress code flap, in which history has come down firmly on the side of the NBA, apparently:

"The dress code was part of his mission; it sparked a mini cultural war, yet it turned out to be ahead of the curve. Look at the landscape now. Jay-Z disdains wearing jerseys, and Diddy fancies himself a tuxedo-clad James Bond. The NBA was there first."

Uhhhhhh, what? The fuck? Are you talking about? The NBA was there first? Like they made up dressing in suits and shit? Like Jay-Z and P Diddy didn't wear expensive suits before the NBA made it cool? The NBA started that? Huh. So Jay-Z + Diddy = "the landscape". I guess David Stern is really just a fashion forward trend-setter when you think about it. Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm sure he set out to start the newest hip-hop trend by trying to get Jay-Z to NOT wear NBA jerseys thereby ensuring he can lose millions of dollars in merchandise sales. I'm finally sold ESPN, David Stern is a genius. Adande goes on to say "Last season's big story, the Tim Donaghy scandal, did not have a racial angle." Yes, only a game-fixing-by-the-league angle. Another Stern victory.

And it only became his mission after the NBA's 9/11 in Detroit. Then in 2005 David Stern hired George W. Bush campaign strategist Matthew Dowd to craft a marketing strategy to connect with white America. They came up with stuff like dress codes and age limits and shorts that don't touch your knees. Because that's where players hide their guns. They came up with a list of bars players couldn't go to. They upped the technicals. An NBA game in which someone throws a punch is now a "disgrace", while a hockey game without a fight is a disappointment. Dowd's conventional wisdom said that people didn't like the NBA because it was populated by thugs and miscreants, and ever since David Stern has gone out of his way to let America know that he agrees.

But the cool thing is that none of that matters because all you need is five minutes on ESPN and you can go from Vladimir Putin to the Barack Obama-style"global outreach" guy. I guess!

The Onion covers the Thunder

It was long overdue.

Hat tip to Slandrew, the world's #1 Thunder fan. On second thought it's probably this guy:

Desmond Mason is Fancy Pants

The Oklahoman's Jenni Carlson has outed OKC fan favorite Desmond Mason as a "fancy pants" Starbucks-loving latte-sipper. From her stunning expose:

JC: So, what’s in the Starbucks cup? Do you do coffee, or are you fancy pants?

DM: "I’m fancy. I go with the seasons, so I’ll probably be drinking a gingerbread latte into January or February. Ginger snap, since they changed the name on it..."

...And besides that, I’m four pumps, light whip, one shot single, extra hot."

Ho-ly Christ, that just sent a chill down my spine. There is no doubt Desmond was wearing a scarf when he said that.

There is only one heterosexually-safe way to make coffee, and here it is. Take a tin can of Folgers Crystals that is at least old enough to no longer have the label attached. Looking at the happy couple drinking coffee on the label is like peering through a window to your own gayness. It should be found in the garage between a rifle and hatchet. Mix 2 parts coffee and one part gravel. Boil water from the hose or ideally a river over a burning tire. Put some dirt-coffee mix into a sports-related mug from no later than 1992 and pour in water once it becomes scalding. Stir it with with the first thing at arm's length. If you want cream or sugar, do yourself a favor and keep your goddamn mouth shut. Take a hearty swig, spit it on the ground and say "this coffee tastes like shit." This is not open for discussion.

BILB will keep Desmond in our prayers.

TV is hard.

Mark Cuban was one of just two owners to vote against the Sonics' move to Oklahoma City. He's a total cockblocker, and his intransigence won't soon be forgotten. Money over bitches, Cuban. Here's some of his "reasoning":

"There could be information that sways me," he said. "If they come back and said the Oklahoma City index is 200 when it comes to watching the NBA on TNT or ABC, and no one in Seattle watches, then OK maybe there's information that goes beyond market size."

Well, Sports Media Watch has been gathering that information:

"In Seattle, which is undergoing its first season without an NBA team in 42 years, nationally televised NBA games are averaging a 0.8 rating on ESPN and a 0.9 on TNT, down 20% and 10% respectively from a 1.0 on each network last year."

See? Nobody in Seattle likes the NBA. At least, not anymore. David Stern is such a genius. The article continues.

"In Oklahoma City, which is in its first year as a full-time NBA city, games on ESPN are averaging a 0.9 rating, down 18% from a 1.1 in '07, while games on TNT are averaging a surprisingly low 0.6 -- down 33% from a 0.9 last year.

According to Nielsen, Oklahoma City Thunder telecasts are averaging a 1.2/2 rating and approximately 9,000 homes on KSBI (6 games), and a 1.1/2 and approximately 7,000 homes on FS Oklahoma. Sonics games averaged a 1.27 rating on FSN Northwest for the full 2007-08 season, equaling approximately 22,600 homes."

So, apparently ratings are worse for Oklahoma City's inaugural NBA season than they were for the 2007-08 Sonics' 82-game "Fuck You" to the fans of Seattle. And apparently a 1.2 rating translates into a lot more homes in Seattle than it does in Oklahoma City. Somehow this information doesn't mesh with my perception of Thunder fans as the greatest sports fans in history of both sports and fans. If only there were some prominent Oklahoman, perhaps our sportscaster-turned-mayor, who could try to explain this away to the New York Times. Oh, here we go:

“Our fan base is still really not in tune with the rest of the league and even our team on the road,” Cornett said. “I don’t get the sense that if you walked into a restaurant and our team is playing a road game, that it’s a given that they are going to be playing it on TV. The market just hasn’t matured in that respect. To them, the N.B.A. is 41 home games, and the rest will take time to develop.”

Well put, Mayor Mick. Everyone knows it will take time for Thunder fans--fans who deserved to have this basketball team more than its old fans--to figure out that half the games aren't played in Oklahoma. Naturally. Road games are a tricky concept. It's something that can only be learned through maturation and personal growth, and maybe those refrigerator magnet schedules they hand out for free. But mostly maturity. Hopefully, the fans who can figure out how to drive to the Ford Center can eventually also learn how to turn on the TV and navigate to the correct channel at the appropriate times. Maybe in year three.

More Offensive Specialist Journeymen, Please!

(h/t: wizznutzz)

In a move that will make some people say "we are now among the deepest of prolific offensive teams", we've cleansed ourselves of another Walker/Sund-Era bust to acquire Chatkins from our bitter divisional rival/cancerous PG secondhand source, Denver. Hey, we're done carrying your ass frenchie, and no, Axe body spray is not a shower substitute. Presti's Plan is the new Pickens Plan, except less packaged for eco-extremists. If you forgot, get familiar (via USA Today):

The result, he hopes, will be improvement on the defensive end and steady progress toward embracing the team identity he has conjured up in his mind. If a player fits into that mold, Presti has the resources to pounce.

"We're looking for guys that will play both ends of the floor, but you can't have a team that's made up of only defensive players. There needs to be balance to everything you do," Presti said. "We want guys that will compete. We want players that are going to fit the plan that we're looking to execute."

34 yr. old Chatkins, with less explosiveness and more hernia, gives us that "balance". In addition, this move positions us for late-round cracks at 2 more NBA-ready, fan favorite Devon Harkins's. I mean... wait.

More good news though is that we now have more of this:

and much less of this:

Carmelo'd

McC already posted on the game but I just wanted to say kudos to the men in rainbow for another epic almost-win. To think; they nearly beat a team above .500 for the first time all year. The Nuggets! But they didn't. Beating the Nuggets in a close game would have finally shown all the nay-sayers that the Thunder are FOR REALS now, and would have proven how far they've come since the beginning of the year and how much they've improved since last year, when, in fact, they did beat the Nuggets:



Progress!

TRAP GAME!

My New Year's resolution was two-fold this year. One, to not invest most everything I have into my own foresight and ability, and two, to start acting like an owner who knows how to win and who's been there before. That's why tonight's win didn't rattle me at all- 2.7 seconds on the clock and Desmond Mason enters to fancy the shit out of the team D and stifle perimeter threats with his sensitive demeanor? Trap game. Secured by our learned and savvy 4th quarter endgame, I promptly switched off Brian Davis' frantic one man symphony of beeps, whistles and purrs, picked up the phone, and immediately went all-in on CHK. Why? Because Presti is my new finance guy and told me blowing up my portfolio and not diversifying is what Kevin Pritchard would do. Oh, and he also told me resolutions are for crybaby assholes. I didn't get it either, but did you "find" Tony Parker in the late first round? Case-closed hotshot.