Kevin Durant Has Had Jessie Spano Syndrome & Doesn't Didn't Know What To Do With His Hands

Before Nike dubbed him Professor X lite "Velvet Hoop" and Afrocentrism was apparently ironic, an offseason evening might find KD in a DC club, rigidly posting up and pining for the comfortably obscure & surgical sterility of Bricktown. Since, though, he's totally mastered the hemi-airscratch, and is completely not outshined by fellow dynamic personality, Rashard Lewis (Video here). It's like hearing Eminem murder Jay-Z on his own shit. Or eating plain yogurt with a glass of lukewarm tapwater in a 60W incandescent-lit room with no windows. But this viral video marketing is genius- take a few successful millionaire professionals, dress them up like the good ol' days in the street. Maybe a cookout theme with hoodrats and shoes on the grill because times is hard. Oh and mammies, obviously. Done. Wait, caricatural bulging eyes. OK. Wrap.
I doubt there's anyone more appropriate to walk such a fine line between painful, ingrained stereotypes and hip-hop culture than this guy. Another W. Anywho, one might hardly recognize straight edge Kevin Durant sulking around a charismatic Lebron as the reimagined, smooth Hoop Velvet, but goddamnit, this is who he is now. Like how Dwight Howard is the new Shaq Carrot Top and his jokes are funnier, his characters more 3 dimensional. Wigs and muscle suits FTW. But here are some vids which are either clips from the episode where Lisa sets Jessie up on a blind date with Darnell Mayberry and it goes comically awry when they stand up to leave The Max and she's like 3 feet taller than him, or it's just someone carrying a life-size cardboard cutout around a club.

Dissed.

The latest non-story broiling at NewsOK.com is the perceived slight against Kevin Durant by whoever schedules the NBA's nationally televised games. The Thunder has (have?) only one nationally televised appearance this year, on ESPN. Three if you count NBATV games as "nationally televised", and apparently some of them do. But either way, this is an appalling lack of national exposure for one of the league's marquee franchises and for one of its most prominent stars. The only possible explanation is this: KD is being disrespected on a massive scale.

If you weren't aware, some say Kevin Durant is as good as, and possibly (probably?) better than, LeBron James. This debate has been gaining steam lately and there doesn't seem to be anyone who can answer it definitively. Yet the Cavs have 25 nationally televised games this year to the Thundermen's one. NO. FAIR. All I know is: the LeBrons went to the second round in his third year and Kevin Durant is the greatest player of all time to have never won more than 23 games in a season. So look out league, the Oklahoman's turning this fairly obvious, routine business decision into locker room fodder. It's like, what have you done for me lately, NBA? Don't you read blogs? We're cult faves over here. We're the Boondock Saints of the NBA. Your friends tell you that you totally have to see this movie, then you do, and it fucking sucks like nothing you've ever seen. What I'm saying is you should at least release our games on DVD box set.

So if the league is sitting on the current LeBron James in OKC, why won't they show the world? While it's probably a league-wide conspiracy, it might also be because of this report by Sports Business Journal, who compiled the local TV ratings from NBA markets over the course of last season. Apparently they can do that.

"Another disappointment came in Oklahoma City, where an average of just 8,000 homes watched Thunder games on Fox Sports Oklahoma, even though this season was the team’s first in the market."

Disappointment? Don't you mean "unqualified success"?

Yes, Kevin Durant was only seen by an average of 8,000 households per game, the second-worst figure in the NBA. The former LeBron drew 134,000 households on average locally. I find this statistic interesting because every time you go to a Thunder game, you are literally looking at a majority of Thunder fans in existence. It would seem that if anyone were disrespecting Kevin Durant it's Oklahoma City, which is an idea so patently absurd it makes me want to laugh out loud and then swallow hard and get very quiet. Durant has even inspired his own extremely FD t-shirt with his face on a milk carton:
But Durant is a Nike man, and the new LeBron, so something like this might be more appropriate:

Kevin Durant Goes Off Message

During a recent live chat on ESPN.com, Kevin Durant had this unfortunate exchange:

Parker (Memphis, TN): Hey Kevin, How has the adjustment been from Seattle to Oklahoma City? Which do you view more as an "NBA city"?

Kevin Durant: I think the toughest thing is moving everything from Seattle. With Seattle having a team for so long, I think they are more of an NBA city. But the fans in Oklahoma City are great.

I think what he meant to say is that Oklahoma City is a basketball mecca with an allure that was simply too great for any owner to resist. It is a small, quiet town with nice people that enjoy sports. In America, it is completely unique in that regard.

Kid Delicious v.1's

The new KD's. Put some spring in your ill-advised men's league 22-footers or shutdown 6 year-old bday parties. Your call.


UPDATE: More perspective on KD 1.0's set to debut tonight. Marketing 101: No press is bad press:

• Deadspin: "Finally... sweet Jesus, Kevin Durant. Do you design your shoes in the dark?"
• FanHouse: "Kevin Durant Came Out With These Shoes, Ronald McDonald Immediately Pissed"
• FanIQ: "Kevin Durant's Shoes Are A Complete Nightmare"
• RealGM Wiretap Archives: "Durant's Nike Shoes A Ronald McDonald Disaster?"

Smurf all over my smurfs.

Another day, another aesthetic triumph. The Thunder unveiled their new uniforms during Media Day yesterday to an overwhelmingly positive reception by the staff of the Oklahoman. I don't read any other news outlets, but I can only assume the rest of the nation was equally impressed. I know PJ Carlesimo was:

"Clay talked about respecting the heritage of the NBA by keeping it clean and classy. They did a good job."

Thanks PJ. If there's one job I do better than making logos, it's respecting the heritage of the NBA. I put a lot of deep, compassionate thinking into these uniforms; just listen to this peppy blonde chick interview the Oklahoman's resident style expert:



Did you hear that folks? That lady talked to a color expert, and the color expert told her that white is going to attract "a lot of attention." Holy shit I'm glad we thought of it then. Brace yourselves for a tidal wave of publicity, Thunder fans, white home unis have arrived.


Now on to the road unis. I think the offical name for the color is "Expansion Team Blue". She kinda lost me for a minute there because I'm no color expert myself, and the discussion becomes very dense and theoretical, but I'll try to break it down. Blue is 'dependable' like the sky, because the sky won't fall, even though sometimes times get tough, and also it's very loyal. That's so weird because whenever I think about this franchise, "stability" and "loyalty" are the two words I think of. But also blue is "powerful" like a bright blue Oklahoma sky with fluffy white nimbus clouds where some of them look like animals, and so you're feeling all loyal and stable and then suddenly you see the red-orange trim and you're energized. You're fuckin' psyched right now. Oh but wait, there's also yellow trim, so mostly you're just energized about how nice and friendly everyone is in Oklahoma City, and you're thinking about picnics and clouds and how much positive energy that blonde chick in the yellow shirt had, and yeah she stumbled over her words in the beginning but she seems totally cool and reminds you of that popular girl in high school who still talked to the ugly chicks, and maybe you guys could hang out sometime and talk color theory. Just take things slow. But then Kevin Durant fucking dunks on your head.


And so it was that Media Day finally answered the question on everyone's mind, which was apparently:

'What would happen if Papa Smurf banged Rainbow Brite?'


So you can all go home now, unless you want to stick around and listen to Darnell Mayberry ask Robert Swift what all of his tattoos mean. Probably a one-man job, though. Hey, everybody loved those teal Pistons jerseys right?

Kevin Durant is a Thunder.

The marketing geniuses that came up with YardDawgz have done it again. Behold the Thunder, OKC's very own NBA merchandising operation. Favorite son Berry Tramel was quick to expound on the virtually limitless marketing opportunities available. ThunderWear anyone?

David Stern had two criteria for selecting the name:

1) Is it inoffensive enough to inspire league-wide indifference?
and 2)Is it something that currently exists in every city in the United States, Europe and Asia, easing the transition for the team's next relocation? Yes on both counts. Yet the PBC was able to successfully lobby for a third criterion: Can we incorporate Garth Brooks and/or AC/DC into the intros? You better believe it. Stay tuned for our logo which will most likely be some sort of menacing cloud, possibly with a Lakitu emerging from the top.