Everything is under control

Don't panic, Thunder fans. Stay with me. I got this. I GOT THIS. Your boy Clay is on top of this shit right here. Don't you bail on me, don't you dare goddammit. Are you reading this, Darnell? You fucking Judas, you. You like your job don't you? You like getting paid to watch NBA games and then spend ten minutes writing piddling observations for money, right? I thought so. Oklahoman writers wanna get tough now, huh? "Get used to the cellar"? What is that shit? That kind of talk does not move merchandise. "9 win season"? Thanks for the history lesson. Here's another bit of recent history for you to chew on, smart guy:



Sucks to get clowned by Berry Tramel. And now I got John Rohde writing "Shame on the Thunder". Cute. I'm about 2 seconds from walking up into that building and cleaning house.

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. We're right where we want to be. The rebuilding plan is working to absolute perfection. The future's so bright I have to wear Ray-Bans when I'm sitting courtside. I need some SPF 50 just to write Robert Swift's check.

Yeah we're 2-20. Yeah. Good one. So what? Are you saying you want to fight me? Say something else, I am 100% not fucking around anymore. Dudes, that was a tough game tonight against a formidable opponent, and we came up short, that's all. We faced a quality 5-15 team riding a nine-game losing streak and missing their three best players. At home. And were down by as many as 21 to a team that lost by 35 two days ago. And we couldn't pull it out despite 41 points from Kevin Durant. No big deal. You win some, you lose some. You play games with the team you have, not the team you may want or wish to have at a later time. Don Rumsfeld. The fans don't care about wins and losses, they just like watching a bunch of back-ups fuck around for 48 minutes. Plus the season-ticket holders already wrote their checks. Money talks. The fans were like, "I want to give you my hard-earned money so you can give it to Chris Wilcox. Keep some for yourself, too." Done.

We also had our lowest attendance to date, with a reported 17,854 in the stands. But that's neither here nor there.

But don't worry everyone, Mike Baldwin said that the team would go 8-7 in December due to how weak the schedule is. So far we're 0-4. Guess that means we're looking at an 8-3 run. Get your tickets Boomer fans! They're like $3 on Craigslist.

Scotty Brooks makes Thunder History

Scotty Brooks etched his name into history this weekend by becoming the Thunder's all-time winningest head coach, tying the mark previously set by Thunder legend PJ Carlesimo. There were approximately 156 people on hand in Memphis to witness the event.

I went to check out the "Thunder History" page at the Oklahoman and saw that they've noted the recent coaching change, but have neglected or forgotten to update a lot of other stuff. Check it out here. Or better yet, take a look at this word cloud I made of the page and see if you can spot what I'm referring to:



I went ahead and made those corrections:


Feel free to use that, Mike Sherman.

Almost as good as last year

So if you haven't been following the Thunder this week, let me just tell you that things are really, really going awesome. Sports journalism icon Darnell Mayberry writes:

"The Thunder’s record is identical to the 10-game start last season by the Seattle SuperSonics. That season resulted in a franchise-worse [sic] 20-62 record."

Yeah, I suppose that's a little discouraging. I mean we're actually trying to win games this year, right? I'm pretty sure I cc'd PJ on that email. What's even more discouraging about that statement is that it's completely false. The Thunder have a worse record through 10 games than the Sonics did last year in Seattle. That team started 2-8, this team is 1-9. It was probably really difficult to type that so I can understand the error.


The basketball think tank at the Oklahoman is now quietly revising their win-total predictions from just a few short weeks ago. Because nobody could have seen this coming. No one. Who could have guessed the Thunder would be terrible? Completely unforeseeable. Kinda like the Iraq war. Nobody on earth predicted that would be a disaster. But then again maybe that's what happens when you formulate your prediction in an echo chamber of bias and uninformed opinion. Maybe those ESPN media elites actually knew what they were talking about. Maybe hubris and rosy predictions and AC/DC and a nauseating sense of entitlement and an utter lack of self-awareness aren't enough to win in this league. Maybe NBA players aren't intimidated by balloons and loud fat guys in terrible merchandise and a complete moron with a brick on his head who's team plays in 'Bricktown' and shoots a league-worst 40.8% from the floor. I suppose that's possible.

But I'm sticking to my guns that the "Thunder Way" is the only way to win in the NBA. Darnell just dropped an article called "Staying the Course", which is likely the first time since 2005 that phrase has been used in a non-ironic way. Everything's under control. Presti is about 2 months from turning OKC into San Antonio. That's our model. Oh, no wait... now apparently it's Atlanta, Portland and New Orleans. Okay then. So basically, whatever team is good or improving in the NBA right now is what the Thunder will be at some point in the future. And as none of you can see the future, there is no way to tell me I'm wrong. And if someday the future reveals a reality that is totally at odds with my prediction, that's because nobody could have seen it coming.

The Thunder Way

If you're like me, you've heard lots of talk about the "Thunder Way". Our organization wants to win, but only if we win the Thunder Way. Winning any other way would be a complete waste of time. So what is the Thunder way? I have no earthly idea.

I know it involves Desmond Mason. I know it involves buzzwords like "character" and "hard work". Um, I know it involves dumping guys with character issues like devout Christian and small-town-everyman Luke Ridnour. And something about defense. I'm told Coach PJ preaches defense now. I guess defense-day must have been canceled for some reason last year in Seattle, because we gave up like 106.3 per game, but evidently this year he remembered. Great news.

After all, me and Presti come from the land of tough D and low ratings: San Antonio. This is great news for fans--we'll be like watching the slow-it-down, grind-it-out Spurs except without all the winning. We'll be like a cellar-dwelling, expansion San Antonio with ridiculous uniforms and no inside presence. Someone tell me why ESPN isn't televising all of our games.

But crafting a entirely new identity out of thin air is hard. Sometimes you've just got to go out there and steal some shit. Like your team, for instance. And now Warriors bloggers are all mad because we killed off their mascot (due to our "staggering lack of originality") and more or less ripped off their color scheme. Whatever. Get used to it. Here's my boy Berry Tramel on what should be on the front of our jerseys:

"I don't mind Oklahoma City, at least in the first few years of the franchise while the name gets established in the league. Eventually, OKC or, even better, "The City," would be fantastic."

What's up now Golden State? I'm telling you, originality is hard. Just ask the pride of the Oklahoman Jenni Carlson (yes, that Jenni Carlson):

Right. So maybe that's what happens when your entire culture is built upon trying to think up ways to rationalize theft, cronyism and extortion. It's the Thunder Way, bitches!

Get over it John Hollinger!

John Hollinger's Team Forecast for the Thunder is pretty bleak.

"The Oklahoma City Thunder. Ugh. Pardon me while I thwack myself in the head a few times."

He also preempted my weather-related pun, which I'm pretty peeved about. In addition to this dismal season preview, the Thunder is dead last in Marc Stein's Power Rankings. Could it be that ESPN is nothing more than a bunch of bitter Seattleites?

The question is, why does ESPN seem to think we won't be very good? Is it because we were a 20-62 team last year and didn't make any significant short-term improvements in the off-season? Is it because we have a gaping hole at center and no consistent outside shooting threat? C'mon guy, we picked up Desmond Mason. Does John Hollinger realize Desmond Mason is a hard-worker who plays the basketball the "right way"? Do they know he has a 40-megawatt smile and signs autographs for children?

I'll tell you what's going on here: Media Bias.

John Hollinger is as biased as they come. He invented something called the "Player Effeciency Rating" for analyzing statistical mumbo-jumbo and trying to look smart. Fans don't like number crunchers, JoHo--hold the phone--is he the same JoHo that hates America? I'm going with yes. So here we have an America-hating intellectual who bases analysis on statistical fact through some sort of scientific method of inquiry. In comparison, Darnell Mayberry would be a great person to have a beer with. Okay, maybe not Darnell, he has zero personality, but probably Berry Tramel. I think he was a wayward transient that wandered into the Oklahoman one day looking for a place to shower and realized he was just as informed as everyone else. So he's probably got some good stories.

I'm not the only one to notice this unfair treatment. Check out this roundtable at the Oklahoman (Sidenote: someone get Mike Sherman a dictionary):

What did I tell you, ESPN is only ranking the Thunder last because they're "mad" at them. Get over it already, John Hollinger!

So in conclusion:

1. Seattle fans and JoHo need to stop whining.
2. Media outlets like ESPN need to stop picking on Oklahoma City because it's NO FAIR.

Besides, we may lose a lot of games this season, but I promise you this: If we go down, we'll go down smurfing:

Smurf all over my smurfs.

Another day, another aesthetic triumph. The Thunder unveiled their new uniforms during Media Day yesterday to an overwhelmingly positive reception by the staff of the Oklahoman. I don't read any other news outlets, but I can only assume the rest of the nation was equally impressed. I know PJ Carlesimo was:

"Clay talked about respecting the heritage of the NBA by keeping it clean and classy. They did a good job."

Thanks PJ. If there's one job I do better than making logos, it's respecting the heritage of the NBA. I put a lot of deep, compassionate thinking into these uniforms; just listen to this peppy blonde chick interview the Oklahoman's resident style expert:



Did you hear that folks? That lady talked to a color expert, and the color expert told her that white is going to attract "a lot of attention." Holy shit I'm glad we thought of it then. Brace yourselves for a tidal wave of publicity, Thunder fans, white home unis have arrived.


Now on to the road unis. I think the offical name for the color is "Expansion Team Blue". She kinda lost me for a minute there because I'm no color expert myself, and the discussion becomes very dense and theoretical, but I'll try to break it down. Blue is 'dependable' like the sky, because the sky won't fall, even though sometimes times get tough, and also it's very loyal. That's so weird because whenever I think about this franchise, "stability" and "loyalty" are the two words I think of. But also blue is "powerful" like a bright blue Oklahoma sky with fluffy white nimbus clouds where some of them look like animals, and so you're feeling all loyal and stable and then suddenly you see the red-orange trim and you're energized. You're fuckin' psyched right now. Oh but wait, there's also yellow trim, so mostly you're just energized about how nice and friendly everyone is in Oklahoma City, and you're thinking about picnics and clouds and how much positive energy that blonde chick in the yellow shirt had, and yeah she stumbled over her words in the beginning but she seems totally cool and reminds you of that popular girl in high school who still talked to the ugly chicks, and maybe you guys could hang out sometime and talk color theory. Just take things slow. But then Kevin Durant fucking dunks on your head.


And so it was that Media Day finally answered the question on everyone's mind, which was apparently:

'What would happen if Papa Smurf banged Rainbow Brite?'


So you can all go home now, unless you want to stick around and listen to Darnell Mayberry ask Robert Swift what all of his tattoos mean. Probably a one-man job, though. Hey, everybody loved those teal Pistons jerseys right?

Get your "Rivalry Pack" today!

Darnell Mayberry, The Oklahoman's diminutive NBA beat writer, alerted fans today of eight-game ticket packages on sale now. Among the packages is the coveted "Rivalry Pack":

The "Rivalry Pack” features games against Atlanta on Nov. 9; Cleveland on Dec. 21; Denver on Jan. 2; Utah on Jan. 14; Sacramento on Feb. 8; New Orleans on Feb. 17; San Antonio on March 16; and Portland on April 3.

Since the Thunder has never played any one of these basketball teams, I'm guessing by "rivalry" we're still referring to Portland. Many a Northwest basketball fan was dismayed by the fact that the revered "I-5 Rivalry" would be no more. Chin up, hippies! Evidently the rivalry lives on!

The Portland Trailblazers and Oklahoma City Thunder will continue to duke it out for Northwest* supremacy, but perhaps we need to give this series a new name. We could call it the "I-84 to I-80 to I-25 to I-70 to I-35" Rivalry. Or maybe the "Google Maps Cup". That has a nice ring to it.

There's nothing like artificial significance and manufactured history straight from the marketing department to energize the Thunder faithful. God I hate those Portlanders!

I'm sure most Thunder fans can't wait to make the quick 1,920 mile, 28 hour drive to Portland this year. It's tradition. But fans will have to be patient, because Portland won't host their bitter division foe until February 11. Weird how that worked out. And all you history buffs should refrain from wearing your Thunder throwbacks this year, because it's possible they're already doing that.

*Note: Many Pacific Northwesterners have complained that the NBA is taking away all their basketball teams (i.e. Seattle, Vancouver). This is wrong. The Great Northwest still has Portland, Utah, Denver, Minnesota and Oklahoma City.

Berry Tramel's Existential Crisis

Berry Tramel is apparently in the throes of an existential meltdown after trekking into the belly of the beast, Seattle, for the OU-UW football game last weekend. From a recent post:

"1. This is one of the best cities in America. Great weather. Great scenery. Apparently great economy. Seemingly safe. Fun downtown. Lots to do.

2. How did the NBA ever get away from this city? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad the Sonics of Seattle became the Thunder of OKC, but with all this city has going for it, how did Seattle lose its NBA franchise and how did the NBA let it happen?"

First of all, slow your roll Berry Tramel. My wife doesn't pay you for your critical thinking. Get back on message. Stay the course. Gotta stay on offense and all that. Stick to the talking points. Seattle doesn't want the NBA, remember? Second, "let" it happen? The David all but demanded it. You know, because the Ford Center is so totally bad-ass or whatever.

Besides, as the lead sportswriter of Oklahoma's primary newspaper, and having written extensively on this issue yourself time and again, I'd wager you're in a better position than most to answer your own question. Here's a timeline from your own paper. Does the Oklahoman block Google? I know the PBC does. I don't tolerate slackers. Let me pull up some of your old quotes:

"So even though the Seattle saga has been unpleasant for the NBA in recent weeks and isn't likely to soon change, Stern did not waver. Oklahoma City had Stern on its side, and the most powerful commissioner in sport was not about to be bucked.Stern carved up Seattle with a silver scalpel. No arena for you, Seattle told Stern before and after Bennett bought the team. Drop dead, Stern said back."

"If the NFL can leave Greater Los Angeles, where's the calamity in the NBA leaving Seattle? The Seattle crowd likes to warn Oklahoma City that if Clay Bennett can put the screws to Seattle, he will do the same thing to his hometown. Maybe. Maybe not. Frankly, I'm not all that interested in a history lesson from a city that built a new palace for the Seahawks and a new palace for the Mariners and then wants to start lecturing other cities, warning them about the dangers of giving into disgruntled franchise owners."

“Truth is, most Seattle residents, particularly in the downtown area where most Sooner fans spent the last day or two, are only marginally aware that Seattle once had, and then lost, an NBA franchise, much less where it went.”

"He would stand at KeyArena and cheer a Hersey Hawkins 3-pointer or scream at the refs, and many a Sonic fan looked at him like he was crazy, because fervor is the exception in Seattle. "Most people go to just sit there, even in the glory days,” Francisco said. "I was looked at like I was crazy."

That's more like it. That's the kind of petty, gratuitous fluff I'm looking for. If you ask me, I think you've spent a little too much time on the left coast. Those loony liberal media elites are trying to fool you with their big-city trickery. You know, partisan hacks like Henry Abbott:

"I'm for respecting the people involved, even if you can get away with hurting them. That's character.

Instead we have something that's something like the worst marriage ever, back in the days before women had rights at all. Both partners play key roles, but one can lie, cheat, hit, and all the rest of it, while the other can only be stoic.

In that dreadfully over-dire analogy (apologies), Tramel is arguing that husbands beat their wives all the time, and there's no need to feel bad about that."

Don't go soft on me Berry. Get back to basics. Stick to the script.

Stability.

Fantastic analysis as usual from NBA expert and 80's mustache holdout Mike Baldwin of the Oklahoman:


Indeed, it's incredibly difficult to run a successful franchise when your definition of success is failure. Harder still is creating "stability" when the cause of this instability is your own publicly stated intention to move the franchise. Clearly there is only one remedy for this, and that's to move the franchise.


But now, as Baldwin notes, we finally "know where we're gonna practice". That would be Southern Nazerene University, a temporary facility our players can use while we renovate the Performance Sports Center, which is itself a temporary facility that we'll occupy while we're building a taxpayer-funded $21 million practice facility in an as-yet-to-be-determined location that should be ready in 18-24 months. Finally, stability.


Not knowing where we were practicing was one of our biggest problems in Seattle, although it would usually end up being in our team's practice facility. And by "usually", I mean "always".

Is OKC the next Phoenix, Boston, or LA?

Oklahoma sports media demi-god Berry Tramel turned heads today with a brazen assertion in his latest piece. The crotchety mainstay of the NewsOK sportsdesk boasted:

"Here's who Oklahoma City is so far. The next Phoenix. And since we're name-dropping, toss in Los Angeles and Boston, too."

Hmm, the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Phoenix Suns and Oklahoma City Thunder… one of these teams doesn’t seem to fit in... Oh right, Phoenix, the only one of these franchises to have never won an NBA title. I won mine this summer in Seattle Federal Court.

Don't worry, Suns fans. Someday you'll get over the hump, and only then will you know the pride and fulfillment that I feel everyday.

Darnell Mayberry on Team USA

From his blog:

"I’ve wanted to weigh in on the Dream Team vs. Redeem Team argument since Sunday but honestly don’t have much thought-provoking analysis to contribute."

Darnell Mayberry attacked!

Darnell Mayberry, the Oklahoman's mild-mannered NBA beat writer, has been viciously maligned by one of the internet's many gutless punks, NBA blogger Bethlehem Shoals. From his recent post titled, "Oklahoma City's NBA Reporting = FAIL":

"I will never cease to be amused by the tone of The Oklahoman's NBA coverage. It really reads like it was either spit out by a soft-spoken HAL, or done with a Microsoft template, or by one of those college seniors sent over to hang out in the Green Zone to help draw up the Iraqi constitution."

Bethlehem sounds like a Chritstian name, but his blog is virtually incomprehensible and most likely about witchcraft. He continues:

"Remember, always stay polite, avoid either upbeat speculation, which scares people, or stark realism, which sucks. I don't doubt that Presti's doing something, but until local reporting figures out how to discuss the game, I've got no choice but to think he spends his days eating goldfish and playing Connect 4 while sitting on a stack of every other team's media guides."

Darnell issued this response:

Kevin Durant is a Thunder.

The marketing geniuses that came up with YardDawgz have done it again. Behold the Thunder, OKC's very own NBA merchandising operation. Favorite son Berry Tramel was quick to expound on the virtually limitless marketing opportunities available. ThunderWear anyone?

David Stern had two criteria for selecting the name:

1) Is it inoffensive enough to inspire league-wide indifference?
and 2)Is it something that currently exists in every city in the United States, Europe and Asia, easing the transition for the team's next relocation? Yes on both counts. Yet the PBC was able to successfully lobby for a third criterion: Can we incorporate Garth Brooks and/or AC/DC into the intros? You better believe it. Stay tuned for our logo which will most likely be some sort of menacing cloud, possibly with a Lakitu emerging from the top.

Journalism 101

Here in Oklahoma City, we're blessed to have the finest journalists in America and therefore, the world. Berry Tramel is among the Gaylord Tribune's finest. In his latest video blog, he opines on the evils of the intertubes and the malicious, nay, criminal nature of anyone and everyone who posts on a message board. Thankfully someone heeded O'Reilly's call to arms against the Nazi Klansmen of the Daily Kos and their ilk. Pulitzer this man.