National Attention!

Today, ESPN dedicated their NBA front page to showering Oklahoma City with glorious attention. God it feels amazing. As I noted yesterday, ESPN will be following the Thunder this season in their pursuit of history. John Hollinger notes:

"Although this is still terrible, it's a big improvement on the 1-12 mark and minus-12.3 margin under Carlesimo. (And as one Seattle jokester noted, Brooks already tied Carlesimo's record for the most wins by a coach in Thunder history.)"

I don't know who this "jokester" is, but he certainly has an impressive grasp of NBA history.

Also, you won't want to miss David Berri's darn fine rebuttal to the Thunderworld's assessment of Russell "Derrick Rose" Westbrook. I guess they'll just have to agree to disagree about reality.

Scotty Brooks makes Thunder History

Scotty Brooks etched his name into history this weekend by becoming the Thunder's all-time winningest head coach, tying the mark previously set by Thunder legend PJ Carlesimo. There were approximately 156 people on hand in Memphis to witness the event.

I went to check out the "Thunder History" page at the Oklahoman and saw that they've noted the recent coaching change, but have neglected or forgotten to update a lot of other stuff. Check it out here. Or better yet, take a look at this word cloud I made of the page and see if you can spot what I'm referring to:



I went ahead and made those corrections:


Feel free to use that, Mike Sherman.

"A team OKC would sell its soul for"

Berry Tramel calls the Hornets "a team Oklahoma City would sell it's soul for." Can't argue with that.

The Thunder just played back-to-back games against OKC's "first love" and "old flame" etc, etc. The team OKC actually wanted.

Extending this analogy, I'd say the Hornets are like that underrated girl in high school that went through a really rough patch at home and started acting out and slumming with some dude who really shouldn't have had a realistic shot at her. But then she eventually got things turned around and went off to college and stopped returning his calls. Now he just stalks her on Facebook. Meanwhile the dude kept hanging out at high school parties after graduation trying to bang chicks from the drill team. Eventually he found someone but she's pretty young and they don't really have all that much in common or anything to talk about, so mostly he just spends his time watching college football. And everyone keeps comparing him to her ex-boyfriend. I guess she's pretty decent looking. She's like a 7, but she's one of those girls that wears a lot of make-up and Tiffany's jewelry, so whatever. Plus now that they're engaged she sort of stopped trying and just hangs out in her sweatpants and retainer all day. Then one day the girl's back home for Thanksgiving and they see each other at a party and dude tries his best to make her think things are going really well with him and the new girl, but, yeah it's kind of obvious their relationship is pretty forced. Now all he can do is fantasize about her while he's making out with Damien Wilkins.

It's a little hard to compete with all this Hornets-love going on. Even Royce from the Thunderworld wonders if "Maybe we should have waited three more years and made a play for the Hornets."

Well, all I can say is gee, sorry I didn't get you the right color Range Rover, OKC. I guess you'll just have to settle for this other NBA team I brought you to quench your ravenous blood lust. I know it's not much, but I actually had to do a lot of things I'm not very proud of to get it for you--like sacrifice my honor and reputation -- so, you know, the least you could do is stay to watch for four quarters. At least while ESPN's here. Because there are about a billion NBA fans in China that would love to watch Earl Watson and Russell Westbrook try to run an offense, but they have to settle for stuffing the All-Star ballot for Yi Jianlian. That guy's gonna have a ridiculous resume someday.

David Stern just loves the Kansas City Thunder.

His holiness himself was on hand tonight for the Thunder's debut loss, and he had nothing but the highest praise for Kansas City Oklahoma City:



I admit it's pretty hard to keep track. I guess (O)KC's super-awesomeness just left an indelible impression on him. That or he's already laying the rhetorical groundwork for the next Ford Center remodel. God he's a genius.

Merchandise!

Anyone tryin' to spend $99 on a basketball that commemorates someone else's history? Now you can!

Honoring the "Rain Man" and OKC's NBA history.

The Thunderworld recently wrote a feature called “5 Burning Questions” about the upcoming season. The author, Royce, mentions the Thunder v. Blazers as one of five “can’t miss” games because, of course, they are our “interim rival”. He must be a BilB reader.

But that wasn’t the best part. Here’s burning question number five: “If I’m going to buy a jersey, who’s should I get?” His answer is a real kick in the balls:

“I've told friends I'm getting a custom Thunder Gary Payton #20 jersey or a Rain Man, Shawn Kemp #40 uni, but the price is pretty hefty. Maybe I could get a discount if I just got a Detlef Schrempf #11."

Wow, friend, just wow. The balls on this guy. I’m simply stunned by the sheer audacity and brilliance of that suggestion. I mean, this is an avenue of profit even I never considered (and I have no moral compass): jerseys of players who have zero relevance to your city and team, who actively worked against the team ever setting foot in your town, who spoke at rallies against your ownership group, who would vomit with rage at the sight of such a customized abomination, and who in all likelihood would instantly despise you should they ever see you wearing it. A walking, stitched-mesh oxymoron. Rocking that thing would be enough to cause real fans to fucking blow their brains out on sight. Or dive under riding lawn mowers. You’d be “The Happening” only in real life. You’d be a walking M. Night Shyamalan box office career-ender. I say go for it.

But why stop there? Why not just get a Thunder Kobe jersey? Or a Thunder Peyton Manning jersey? Or Gwen Stefani? Why not just customize the front to say Real Madrid and put “Ross Gellar from Friends” on the back? Why not go door-to-door through Seattle and personally dick-slap everyone you meet?

"Just one thing to make sure of: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a custom jersey with your name on the back. There is nothing worse than some fat guy sitting in Loud City with a No. 35 jersey with "Stravinski" strapped across the back of it. News flash: You don't play for the team. Kevin Durant does - so wear his jersey."

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Neither did Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, or Detlef Schrempf.

FOX NEWS TO-THE-MINUTE BREAKING MEGA-UPDATE: Reign Man Rain Man jerseys available now in the Thundershop! Bring your credit cards and poor judgment.

BILB: The And One Interview

I recently sat down with Carolyn from And One for an exclusive, no-holds-barred, Palin-esque interview of epic proportions.

I'm not usually in the habit of granting access to news outlets my wife doesn't own, but I decided to make a rare exception in this case. And if you haven't checked out And One yet, it means you've spent your entire life safely protected from the harsh light of reality by the Oklahoman's truth-filter, and i applaud you for that.

This is the only NBA interview you will need to read today, and likely, ever.

Smurf all over my smurfs.

Another day, another aesthetic triumph. The Thunder unveiled their new uniforms during Media Day yesterday to an overwhelmingly positive reception by the staff of the Oklahoman. I don't read any other news outlets, but I can only assume the rest of the nation was equally impressed. I know PJ Carlesimo was:

"Clay talked about respecting the heritage of the NBA by keeping it clean and classy. They did a good job."

Thanks PJ. If there's one job I do better than making logos, it's respecting the heritage of the NBA. I put a lot of deep, compassionate thinking into these uniforms; just listen to this peppy blonde chick interview the Oklahoman's resident style expert:



Did you hear that folks? That lady talked to a color expert, and the color expert told her that white is going to attract "a lot of attention." Holy shit I'm glad we thought of it then. Brace yourselves for a tidal wave of publicity, Thunder fans, white home unis have arrived.


Now on to the road unis. I think the offical name for the color is "Expansion Team Blue". She kinda lost me for a minute there because I'm no color expert myself, and the discussion becomes very dense and theoretical, but I'll try to break it down. Blue is 'dependable' like the sky, because the sky won't fall, even though sometimes times get tough, and also it's very loyal. That's so weird because whenever I think about this franchise, "stability" and "loyalty" are the two words I think of. But also blue is "powerful" like a bright blue Oklahoma sky with fluffy white nimbus clouds where some of them look like animals, and so you're feeling all loyal and stable and then suddenly you see the red-orange trim and you're energized. You're fuckin' psyched right now. Oh but wait, there's also yellow trim, so mostly you're just energized about how nice and friendly everyone is in Oklahoma City, and you're thinking about picnics and clouds and how much positive energy that blonde chick in the yellow shirt had, and yeah she stumbled over her words in the beginning but she seems totally cool and reminds you of that popular girl in high school who still talked to the ugly chicks, and maybe you guys could hang out sometime and talk color theory. Just take things slow. But then Kevin Durant fucking dunks on your head.


And so it was that Media Day finally answered the question on everyone's mind, which was apparently:

'What would happen if Papa Smurf banged Rainbow Brite?'


So you can all go home now, unless you want to stick around and listen to Darnell Mayberry ask Robert Swift what all of his tattoos mean. Probably a one-man job, though. Hey, everybody loved those teal Pistons jerseys right?

Get your "Rivalry Pack" today!

Darnell Mayberry, The Oklahoman's diminutive NBA beat writer, alerted fans today of eight-game ticket packages on sale now. Among the packages is the coveted "Rivalry Pack":

The "Rivalry Pack” features games against Atlanta on Nov. 9; Cleveland on Dec. 21; Denver on Jan. 2; Utah on Jan. 14; Sacramento on Feb. 8; New Orleans on Feb. 17; San Antonio on March 16; and Portland on April 3.

Since the Thunder has never played any one of these basketball teams, I'm guessing by "rivalry" we're still referring to Portland. Many a Northwest basketball fan was dismayed by the fact that the revered "I-5 Rivalry" would be no more. Chin up, hippies! Evidently the rivalry lives on!

The Portland Trailblazers and Oklahoma City Thunder will continue to duke it out for Northwest* supremacy, but perhaps we need to give this series a new name. We could call it the "I-84 to I-80 to I-25 to I-70 to I-35" Rivalry. Or maybe the "Google Maps Cup". That has a nice ring to it.

There's nothing like artificial significance and manufactured history straight from the marketing department to energize the Thunder faithful. God I hate those Portlanders!

I'm sure most Thunder fans can't wait to make the quick 1,920 mile, 28 hour drive to Portland this year. It's tradition. But fans will have to be patient, because Portland won't host their bitter division foe until February 11. Weird how that worked out. And all you history buffs should refrain from wearing your Thunder throwbacks this year, because it's possible they're already doing that.

*Note: Many Pacific Northwesterners have complained that the NBA is taking away all their basketball teams (i.e. Seattle, Vancouver). This is wrong. The Great Northwest still has Portland, Utah, Denver, Minnesota and Oklahoma City.

Berry Tramel's Existential Crisis

Berry Tramel is apparently in the throes of an existential meltdown after trekking into the belly of the beast, Seattle, for the OU-UW football game last weekend. From a recent post:

"1. This is one of the best cities in America. Great weather. Great scenery. Apparently great economy. Seemingly safe. Fun downtown. Lots to do.

2. How did the NBA ever get away from this city? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad the Sonics of Seattle became the Thunder of OKC, but with all this city has going for it, how did Seattle lose its NBA franchise and how did the NBA let it happen?"

First of all, slow your roll Berry Tramel. My wife doesn't pay you for your critical thinking. Get back on message. Stay the course. Gotta stay on offense and all that. Stick to the talking points. Seattle doesn't want the NBA, remember? Second, "let" it happen? The David all but demanded it. You know, because the Ford Center is so totally bad-ass or whatever.

Besides, as the lead sportswriter of Oklahoma's primary newspaper, and having written extensively on this issue yourself time and again, I'd wager you're in a better position than most to answer your own question. Here's a timeline from your own paper. Does the Oklahoman block Google? I know the PBC does. I don't tolerate slackers. Let me pull up some of your old quotes:

"So even though the Seattle saga has been unpleasant for the NBA in recent weeks and isn't likely to soon change, Stern did not waver. Oklahoma City had Stern on its side, and the most powerful commissioner in sport was not about to be bucked.Stern carved up Seattle with a silver scalpel. No arena for you, Seattle told Stern before and after Bennett bought the team. Drop dead, Stern said back."

"If the NFL can leave Greater Los Angeles, where's the calamity in the NBA leaving Seattle? The Seattle crowd likes to warn Oklahoma City that if Clay Bennett can put the screws to Seattle, he will do the same thing to his hometown. Maybe. Maybe not. Frankly, I'm not all that interested in a history lesson from a city that built a new palace for the Seahawks and a new palace for the Mariners and then wants to start lecturing other cities, warning them about the dangers of giving into disgruntled franchise owners."

“Truth is, most Seattle residents, particularly in the downtown area where most Sooner fans spent the last day or two, are only marginally aware that Seattle once had, and then lost, an NBA franchise, much less where it went.”

"He would stand at KeyArena and cheer a Hersey Hawkins 3-pointer or scream at the refs, and many a Sonic fan looked at him like he was crazy, because fervor is the exception in Seattle. "Most people go to just sit there, even in the glory days,” Francisco said. "I was looked at like I was crazy."

That's more like it. That's the kind of petty, gratuitous fluff I'm looking for. If you ask me, I think you've spent a little too much time on the left coast. Those loony liberal media elites are trying to fool you with their big-city trickery. You know, partisan hacks like Henry Abbott:

"I'm for respecting the people involved, even if you can get away with hurting them. That's character.

Instead we have something that's something like the worst marriage ever, back in the days before women had rights at all. Both partners play key roles, but one can lie, cheat, hit, and all the rest of it, while the other can only be stoic.

In that dreadfully over-dire analogy (apologies), Tramel is arguing that husbands beat their wives all the time, and there's no need to feel bad about that."

Don't go soft on me Berry. Get back to basics. Stick to the script.

Is OKC the next Phoenix, Boston, or LA?

Oklahoma sports media demi-god Berry Tramel turned heads today with a brazen assertion in his latest piece. The crotchety mainstay of the NewsOK sportsdesk boasted:

"Here's who Oklahoma City is so far. The next Phoenix. And since we're name-dropping, toss in Los Angeles and Boston, too."

Hmm, the Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Phoenix Suns and Oklahoma City Thunder… one of these teams doesn’t seem to fit in... Oh right, Phoenix, the only one of these franchises to have never won an NBA title. I won mine this summer in Seattle Federal Court.

Don't worry, Suns fans. Someday you'll get over the hump, and only then will you know the pride and fulfillment that I feel everyday.

Introducing the Thunder OKC!

Yesterday we revealed our name, logo and colors to the handful of people without internet access and Damien Wilkins.

The logo is the result of a three month design-by-committee expedition to the outer limits of Microsoft Paint. We were somehow able to seamlessly unite the imagery of 'Thunder' with the color scheme of an "Oklahoma Sunset", the Oklahoma state flag, and clown shoes. Then we put a basketball in a triangle. And added two random lines to lower wind resistance, which I feel is pretty sharp. Finally, we added "Thunder" above this amalgam of half-formed thoughts and changed the font to what appears to be Mekanik LET Plain. First Prize.

Basically the name, color scheme and logo combine to create a unique fan experience: first you're indimidated, then reassured, then confused, then bored, then bewildered and finally indifferent. Needless to say, it flew off the shelves.

PJ Carlesimo True Facts

OKC is poised to move up the Western Conference standings with career winner PJ Carlesimo at the helm. Carlesimo recently stated in a radio interview that moving to Oklahoma City was "the best thing that's ever happenend to our basketball franchise and basketball team". This level of basketball IQ has guided Carlesimo to an NBA career winning percentage of .417 and zero career playoff series victories. More true facts about PJ Carlesimo:

• PJ Carlesimo was once dealt a Royal Flush and lost $182,000.
• PJ Carlesimo led the Portland Trailblazers to three straight first round losses from 1994-1997.
• The cheif export of PJ Carlesimo is losing.
• PJ Carlesimo's semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
• PJ Carlesimo sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
• The chief import of PJ Carlesimo is cock.
• PJ Carlesimo was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
• In order to shed payroll, increase fan apathy and ensure high future draft picks, the Sonics got rid of Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis and hired PJ Carlesimo.
• PJ Carlesimo once told one of his players to "put a little mustard" on his passes. The player threatened to kill him and dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds before his teammates pulled him off his coach. He returned about 20 minutes later and landed a glancing blow at Carlesimo before being dragged away again. He said that if his teammates did not stop him he would have seriously injured, and possibly killed Carlesimo. The team went on to finish the season 19-63.
• PJ Carlesimo's tears single-handedly raised Seattle's annual rainfall by 17 inches.
• When PJ Carlesimo pays taxes he sends in blank forms with only a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike. He is subsequently forced to pay 73% of earned income and 100% of capital gains to the IRS.
• PJ Carlesimo went on Jeopardy and answered every question "Who is PJ Carlesimo?" Alex Trebek dragged him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds. He then lost his life savings.
• PJ Carlesimo began coaching after Ja Rule ended his rap career.

Oklahoma City: a Sonics tradition

Many people tell me that I've destroyed a rich Sonic tradition in Seattle. But these people don't realize that OKC has its own Sonic tradition; only instead of excelling in the basketball arena we've excelled in the competitive arenas of overconsumption of highly processed non-foods and clinical obesity. Men's Fitness ranks OKC Eighth in its list of America's Fattest Cities, and we're consistently distinguished as the "Fast Food Capital of America" by Fortune Magazine.


But the fact that we received the grade of "F" in both the "Overweight/Sedentary" and "Motivation" category does not detract from our dedication to athletics. To the contrary, the measure of a basketball fan is not how much they play but how much they watch. And consume concessions. And perhaps purchase WNBA-sleeved replica jerseys.

So when Men's Fitness says "Basketball courts are practically nonexistent here, among the fewest per capita in our survey. There's just one court here for every 11,950 residents", I would remind them that having the desire or physical capacity to actually play basketball has no relevance on one's level of fanhood. The measure of a fan is ultimately a function of revenue dollars that fan creates for me, Clay Bennett, by purchasing tickets, concessions and merchandise. So go take some more pics of shirtless guys for your gay-ass magazine, Men's Fitness.