A Thunder Curse?

I heard about this website from today's Jenni Carlson video commentary, which is my primary source of news. I like to start my day by brewing a hot cup of Folgers, reciting the pledge of allegiance and seeing what Jenni Carlson has to say about hot dogs or thumbtacks or whatever happens to be on her mind. I swear to God that chick has nothing to do with herself. Here we are, in the middle of an economic meltdown, with newspapers becoming more obsolete by the second, and Jenni Carlson is using thousands of dollars worth of equipment to read her diary to nobody. Maybe my wife could save some cash by giving her a webcam and a youtube account.

But anyway, over 10,000 people have cursed the Thunder so far. I'm guessing it's the work of Seattleites and their hippie voodoo. Wikipedia shows that Seattle's religious makeup is split pretty evenly between Wiccan and Pagan. Okay fine, it doesn't, but that's only because I couldn't figure out how to use Wikipedia.

David Stern just loves the Kansas City Thunder.

His holiness himself was on hand tonight for the Thunder's debut loss, and he had nothing but the highest praise for Kansas City Oklahoma City:



I admit it's pretty hard to keep track. I guess (O)KC's super-awesomeness just left an indelible impression on him. That or he's already laying the rhetorical groundwork for the next Ford Center remodel. God he's a genius.

Bend It Like Bennett is #1. AGAIN.

After some five full days of voting, the results of LA Ball Talk's poll are in. The fans have spoken, and Bend It Like Bennett has once again been crowned the Best Thunder Blog on the internet.

I wish I could say I was surprised. BILB will be given a permanent link on LABallTalk.com so all those Kobe-jockers can come get a heavy dose of radiant truth on a daily basis. If you're wondering, Darnell Mayberry finished 7th of 8, two spots behind a blog that's posted precisely once since September 11th, and has evidently given up on life. We wish both of them the best of luck.

I'd like to take a moment to sincerely thank all the BILB fans that voted, and also shamelessly pander to all the consumers in Oklahoma City who heroically tax themselves to buy stadiums for billionaire charlatans like myself, from which they will see no profits. You're the true visionaries here. And don't worry, that $100 million upgrade to paint the bathrooms and add more space for corporate circle-jerks will never require more public financing.

And special thanks goes to the BILB supporter that beat some sense into this chubby white Blue Blitz fan. Good work.

Monday's Musings

Since Mr. Monday has been granted unfettered access to BiLB without having every article/blog/opinion critiqued first by the Oklahoman management, Mr. Monday would like to take advantage of this opportunity and introduce a new weekly segment called ‘Monday’s Musing.’ Essentially, all you Okies now have unfiltered wisdom to take with you to the water-cooler. You’re welcome, squares.

Where o' Where is our Dunleavy Jr?
Larry Legend’s “professional imprisonment” of Jamaal ‘Dust-Pan’ Tinsley shows why he’s without question the greatest GM in NBA history. He continues to gut the once thuggish-ruggish Pacers, building a team of good role models and exceptional citizens. Larry has spat in the face of success, profits, and exciting basketball, demonstrating a commitment to jump-stops, proper pivoting, and the triple-threat, things only real Americans will appreciate. Mr. Presti, take notes.














How are Fat Girls like Mopeds?
They’re fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out…or your boss…or the media.

We Are Not the Same, I am a Martian
Apparently Cassell doesn’t need no practice or preseason to hobble around and collect championships. Don’t be salty Smiling Gabe.

Prescription Pills—God's Greatest Gift since Jesus
Throwing one of my 12 daughters under a moving vehicle always helps Mr. Monday sleep better too, Zeke.

Where’s my Shovel?
Bury the Rogue and let the betting begin. Deep pockets and an even shorter memory—Do not question the David.

Run n Gun Randolph
Why the Knicks would want to trade the Baby-Fat Assassin is beyond Mr. Monday. It seems like Randolph would be ideal for D’Antoni’s 7 sec or less offense.




Mr. Monday is an irreverent wit and anonymous foe to those he deems fit. When he's not busy annointing hippies "leafy-green" or "hybrid-driving, carpooling, mountain-climbers", he splits his time between the oklahoman and BiLB to keep those outside the truth filter in check. To read his oklahoman archive, pay a visit to blog.newsok.com/mrmonday, or refer here to his newest home in the blogosphere for the wry and the whimsical.

Merchandise!

Anyone tryin' to spend $99 on a basketball that commemorates someone else's history? Now you can!

A generous offer from The David.

Although it's been well documented by the Oklahoman that the Sonics never actually had any fans, there may be one or two eco-terrorists up in Seattle that are still pining for NBA basketball. Fortunately for them, The David understands:

"We understand the fans and their anger, frustration, depression."

He then immediately proceeded to show the extent of this understanding:

"You know, we have something over 900 games available on NBA League Pass, either on cable or satellite, and potentially broadband and NBA TV where we have four games a week," he said. "So there's a lot out there in terms of content and a lot of an ability to follow our league. If they are so inclined, then we certainly invite them and welcome them."

Oh, well then, problem solved. What a generous offer and entirely noble gesture. "Even though I orchestrated the heist of your 41-year franchise, I still welcome you to give me your money." I'm sure Sonics fans everywhere can't wait to take you up on that.

David Stern: like Gandhi, only better.

Congratulations to us: Again, anointed the OKC People's Champion.

Darnell 9000 still not programmed with self-awareness.

DARNELL's latest.

"John Lucas stood below eye level of most all the reporters he spoke with Tuesday, appearing more like a ball boy than a Thunder ballplayer."

The key word in that sentence is "most".

No Contest

Please do your patriotic duty today and go vote for Bend it Like Bennett for best Thunder Blog in LA Ball Talk's every-team poll. If this were a popularity contest we would win. Fortunately for the people, it’s a quality-of-blog contest in which our "competition" has already conceded. But apparently LA Ball Talk needs something to do, so let’s go ahead and indulge them. Here's how I described our blog:

"Bend It Like Bennett is the absolute gold standard for Thunder blogs, which is why Ball Don’t Lie’s Blog Association ranks us the number one Thunder blog on the web. The rest of the pack is in a heated seven-way tie for last.

Our fellow Thunderbloggers at Blue Blitz say BILB is “generally better, more popular, and more well-liked than our blog, Thunderworld, and ThunderGuru combined.” The Thunderworld calls us “The best Thunder blog - nay, best NBA - nay, best blog period on the Internet”. We are pleased, if not surprised, to have earned the respect and undying adoration of our colleagues.

We provide highly original content that goes above and beyond the busy work of amassing links to every Oklahoman article ever like some kind of paper shuffling mid-level corporate burnout—a task that could be done more effectively by a Google algorithm. We offer only the very best in insightful Thunder commentary, and will continue to delight our loyal readers until our business model is no longer profitable. We appreciate your blind support."

I think voters should have all available information at their disposal in order to make an informed decision. That's why I feel it's necessary to mention that Blue Blitz has known associations with terrorists of this nation and Thunderguru was raised in France by Islamofascist homosexual billionaires. The Thunderworld doesn’t own a lapel pin of any kind and wants to mandate gay marriages for kindergarteners. Those are the facts.

Or if you want to throw your vote away, go ahead and vote for Thunder Rumblings.

DEAL-BREAKING LEAKED MEMO:

The Thunder Way

If you're like me, you've heard lots of talk about the "Thunder Way". Our organization wants to win, but only if we win the Thunder Way. Winning any other way would be a complete waste of time. So what is the Thunder way? I have no earthly idea.

I know it involves Desmond Mason. I know it involves buzzwords like "character" and "hard work". Um, I know it involves dumping guys with character issues like devout Christian and small-town-everyman Luke Ridnour. And something about defense. I'm told Coach PJ preaches defense now. I guess defense-day must have been canceled for some reason last year in Seattle, because we gave up like 106.3 per game, but evidently this year he remembered. Great news.

After all, me and Presti come from the land of tough D and low ratings: San Antonio. This is great news for fans--we'll be like watching the slow-it-down, grind-it-out Spurs except without all the winning. We'll be like a cellar-dwelling, expansion San Antonio with ridiculous uniforms and no inside presence. Someone tell me why ESPN isn't televising all of our games.

But crafting a entirely new identity out of thin air is hard. Sometimes you've just got to go out there and steal some shit. Like your team, for instance. And now Warriors bloggers are all mad because we killed off their mascot (due to our "staggering lack of originality") and more or less ripped off their color scheme. Whatever. Get used to it. Here's my boy Berry Tramel on what should be on the front of our jerseys:

"I don't mind Oklahoma City, at least in the first few years of the franchise while the name gets established in the league. Eventually, OKC or, even better, "The City," would be fantastic."

What's up now Golden State? I'm telling you, originality is hard. Just ask the pride of the Oklahoman Jenni Carlson (yes, that Jenni Carlson):

Right. So maybe that's what happens when your entire culture is built upon trying to think up ways to rationalize theft, cronyism and extortion. It's the Thunder Way, bitches!

Expert's Take

There is no good reason why Adam Morrison should not be on the Thunder.

Putting the "Con" in "Conspiracy"

After reading and meticulously studying every line of the 133 page Pedowitz report, a few things are more clear to Mr. Monday than the heels found at Night Trips:

FACT: Rogue referee Tim Donaghy bet on about 14 games he personally officiated in the 2006-2007 season. He won these bets and made money off of the games but didn't alter his officiating based on his wagers and thus never harmed the integrity of the play on the court.

FACT: No other referees were involved and the outcomes of NBA games were never influenced by Rogue Donaghy or any other official.

FACT: NBA executives scrupulously examined the 17 games in question and found no foul play, leading the Pedowitz report to correctly conclude the same.

This leads Mr. Monday to one obvious conclusion: the NBA rightfully found in favor of itself. Once again David Stern is correct and all the guano crazy conspiracy theorists can finally die of their self-inflicted histoplasmosis. As we all know, issues like this are best kept and handled within the family. The Feds will always try to put their hands down every American’s son and/or daughter’s pants, but the NBA doesn’t put up with this type of perverted communist agenda.

“But Mr. Monday, what about the big-money gamblers who won 15 of 15 times on his games?’ and “What about the ten games refereed by Scott Foster where the big-money gamblers won a perfect 10 of 10 times?” Mr. Monday doesn’t believe in luck but he does believe in destiny. And destiny trumps coincidence every time. Look, when my Granny Agnus comes home from bingo with a new 1998 edition of the King James Bible does Mr. Monday suspect Granny had inside cohorts telling her which card to pick? No chance.

Just remember, you don’t have to be faster than the bear, just faster than the guy you’re with. Game, match, set the NBA.
Mr. Monday is an irreverent wit and anonymous foe to those he deems fit. When he's not busy annointing hippies "leafy-green" or "hybrid-driving, carpooling, mountain-climbers", he splits his time between the oklahoman and BiLB to keep those outside the truth filter in check. To read his oklahoman archive, pay a visit to blog.newsok.com/mrmonday, or refer here to his newest home in the blogosphere for the wry and the whimsical.

Create-a-Caption

Go help the good folks at Ball Don't Lie think up a fitting caption for this image.

Suggested: "Hey Peej, maybe I'm not looking at you because your tie is like a fucking optical illusion."

Kevin Durant says have a great weekend.

Honoring the "Rain Man" and OKC's NBA history.

The Thunderworld recently wrote a feature called “5 Burning Questions” about the upcoming season. The author, Royce, mentions the Thunder v. Blazers as one of five “can’t miss” games because, of course, they are our “interim rival”. He must be a BilB reader.

But that wasn’t the best part. Here’s burning question number five: “If I’m going to buy a jersey, who’s should I get?” His answer is a real kick in the balls:

“I've told friends I'm getting a custom Thunder Gary Payton #20 jersey or a Rain Man, Shawn Kemp #40 uni, but the price is pretty hefty. Maybe I could get a discount if I just got a Detlef Schrempf #11."

Wow, friend, just wow. The balls on this guy. I’m simply stunned by the sheer audacity and brilliance of that suggestion. I mean, this is an avenue of profit even I never considered (and I have no moral compass): jerseys of players who have zero relevance to your city and team, who actively worked against the team ever setting foot in your town, who spoke at rallies against your ownership group, who would vomit with rage at the sight of such a customized abomination, and who in all likelihood would instantly despise you should they ever see you wearing it. A walking, stitched-mesh oxymoron. Rocking that thing would be enough to cause real fans to fucking blow their brains out on sight. Or dive under riding lawn mowers. You’d be “The Happening” only in real life. You’d be a walking M. Night Shyamalan box office career-ender. I say go for it.

But why stop there? Why not just get a Thunder Kobe jersey? Or a Thunder Peyton Manning jersey? Or Gwen Stefani? Why not just customize the front to say Real Madrid and put “Ross Gellar from Friends” on the back? Why not go door-to-door through Seattle and personally dick-slap everyone you meet?

"Just one thing to make sure of: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a custom jersey with your name on the back. There is nothing worse than some fat guy sitting in Loud City with a No. 35 jersey with "Stravinski" strapped across the back of it. News flash: You don't play for the team. Kevin Durant does - so wear his jersey."

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Neither did Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, or Detlef Schrempf.

FOX NEWS TO-THE-MINUTE BREAKING MEGA-UPDATE: Reign Man Rain Man jerseys available now in the Thundershop! Bring your credit cards and poor judgment.

BILB: The And One Interview

I recently sat down with Carolyn from And One for an exclusive, no-holds-barred, Palin-esque interview of epic proportions.

I'm not usually in the habit of granting access to news outlets my wife doesn't own, but I decided to make a rare exception in this case. And if you haven't checked out And One yet, it means you've spent your entire life safely protected from the harsh light of reality by the Oklahoman's truth-filter, and i applaud you for that.

This is the only NBA interview you will need to read today, and likely, ever.

Consummate Maverick on facebook.

Note that I wasn't voted Mr. Congeniality of the PBC and have differed from members of my own ownership group when it comes to non-specific key issues, and as such, have authorized the preemptive use of eForce when it comes to building our coalition of the willing. I wasn't sure about the strategy/tactic, but I have to commend Clay for pioneering the Execublogger phenomena--- the surge is working. We've joined facebook and the fundamentals of our franchise have never been stronger. Now Thunder fans who have supported our storied franchise over the past 4 decades have a chance to join our eFamily through a medium never before seen. We look forward to your friendship.

Facepalm Of The Day

This is the non-lamest thing I've ever seen. I might be inclined to write something about it, but sometimes you can't top the original. There's a reason Tina Fey quotes Sarah Palin verbatim. Go read that if you have a high tolerance for awesome.

Get over it John Hollinger!

John Hollinger's Team Forecast for the Thunder is pretty bleak.

"The Oklahoma City Thunder. Ugh. Pardon me while I thwack myself in the head a few times."

He also preempted my weather-related pun, which I'm pretty peeved about. In addition to this dismal season preview, the Thunder is dead last in Marc Stein's Power Rankings. Could it be that ESPN is nothing more than a bunch of bitter Seattleites?

The question is, why does ESPN seem to think we won't be very good? Is it because we were a 20-62 team last year and didn't make any significant short-term improvements in the off-season? Is it because we have a gaping hole at center and no consistent outside shooting threat? C'mon guy, we picked up Desmond Mason. Does John Hollinger realize Desmond Mason is a hard-worker who plays the basketball the "right way"? Do they know he has a 40-megawatt smile and signs autographs for children?

I'll tell you what's going on here: Media Bias.

John Hollinger is as biased as they come. He invented something called the "Player Effeciency Rating" for analyzing statistical mumbo-jumbo and trying to look smart. Fans don't like number crunchers, JoHo--hold the phone--is he the same JoHo that hates America? I'm going with yes. So here we have an America-hating intellectual who bases analysis on statistical fact through some sort of scientific method of inquiry. In comparison, Darnell Mayberry would be a great person to have a beer with. Okay, maybe not Darnell, he has zero personality, but probably Berry Tramel. I think he was a wayward transient that wandered into the Oklahoman one day looking for a place to shower and realized he was just as informed as everyone else. So he's probably got some good stories.

I'm not the only one to notice this unfair treatment. Check out this roundtable at the Oklahoman (Sidenote: someone get Mike Sherman a dictionary):

What did I tell you, ESPN is only ranking the Thunder last because they're "mad" at them. Get over it already, John Hollinger!

So in conclusion:

1. Seattle fans and JoHo need to stop whining.
2. Media outlets like ESPN need to stop picking on Oklahoma City because it's NO FAIR.

Besides, we may lose a lot of games this season, but I promise you this: If we go down, we'll go down smurfing: